


I Don't Believe In Soulmates But If I Did...

by Fangirl4life



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Current era, M/M, mild drinking problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-05-16 01:50:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 24,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5808682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirl4life/pseuds/Fangirl4life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon and Ryan haven't talked in years since the split. Any normal friends would have forgotten and moved on, but they never were just normal friends. Maybe this time when they meet up in a shitty bar, things will end better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alcohol: The Solution To (Almost) Everything

Brendon was having a horrible day. He had overslept, was late to meet with his divorce lawyer, and locked himself out of his car. Luckily for him, he had locked himself out down the street from a bar. At least _something_ was going right.

The bar was full of all the different people you always saw in a bar; the heart-brokens crying over a bottle of whiskey, the rowdy college students spending what little money they had on alcohol, and the poor waitress getting hit on. He sat down at the bar, beckoning the exasperated girl over.

"What can I get you?" She asked, a bright smile lighting up her round face once she was away from the other customer.

"Just a beer. Don't care much beside that."

"Having a bad day?" She asked, getting his drink "you've got that look about you."

Brendon sighed and took the bottle she handed him "you could say that again. My wife and I are getting divorced, I was late to a legal meeting, I locked myself out of my car, and now I'm drowning my problems in alcohol."

"That really sucks." She said with genuine pity in her voice "I'm sorry. What's your name?"

"Brendon."

"Addie." She replied, messing with her braided, dirty blonde hair. 

"Nice to meet you, Brendon. Can I ask you what happened between you and your wife?"

Brendon eyed the scratched up wood of the bar and sighed "just fell out of love..."

She nodded, brown eyes filled with second-hand sadness "that's always hard." Her eyes shifted to somewhere behind Brendon and her smile returned "Ryan! Hi!"

The reply came before Brendon had a chance to turn and look at the speaker, but he didn't need to see his face to know exactly who it was.

"Hey, Addie. How are you?"

Brendon knew that voice all too well and he caught his breath, an old memory flooding through his mind.

 

_"Brendon?" Ryan's voice said. The alcohol in his system at the time blurred the edges of everything slightly._

_He set down the flask of whiskey he was barely old enough to have and looked at his friend "hey, Ry. What's up?"_

_Ryan shifted slightly on the balls of his feet "I, uh, p-promise not to get mad?..."_

_"Ryan," Brendon said with a confused look on his face "I could never be mad at you. What's wrong?"_

_Ryan sighed and dropped his eyes to the ground "I-I really like you..."_

_It took Brendon a moment to figure out what he meant and even then he couldn't find the words "you mean... More than friends?..."_

_The other boy nodded._

_"What the_ fuck _, Ryan!?" Brendon shouted._

_Ryan looked at him with wide eyes, shocked by his friend's outburst._

_"You'd put the band -our friendship- you'd throw it all away 'cause you want to fuck me!?"_

_"'S n-not like that!" His voice was shaking and his hazel eyes were shining with tears "I th-thought-"_

_"Thought what? Thought I'd like you too and we'd run off into the sunset and get married? This isn't a fairytale!"_

_Ryan was crying now but Brendon didn't stop "clearly you're too much of a kid to be in a band so get out and grow the fuck up!"_

_"Bren, I- pl-please, I'm s-sorry..."_

_"Ryan, this is my band and I'm not gonna let you mess it up!"_

 

"I'm good, you?" The owner of the voice said. The owner was, of course, Ryan Ross. Brendon turned to face him reluctantly and their eyes met. He looked older, he'd lost the child-like glow of his youth, but he looked good. The only wrinkles on his face were a few laugh lines by his eyes and he had a five-o-clock shadow as if he hadn't shaved for a few days.

"O-oh..." he said in that familiar voice that still felt a little like home to Brendon.

Brendon said nothing, the knot in his stomach growing tighter. He had forgotten just how attractive Ryan was but it was all coming back now; old loves die hard.

See, Brendon _had_ liked Ryan. He'd realized it about a month after Ryan had left the band -or, more accurately, was kicked out- but Ryan hated him by then; life was fucked up like that.

If only Brendon knew how he felt sooner, if only he hadn't gotten so mad, if only Ryan had waited to tell him, if only-

"Do you two know each other?" Addie asked, clearly unaware of the tension between them.

"We used to." Ryan replied softly. Those words stung like ice against Brendon's heart but he remained silent.

She looked at Brendon then back at Ryan "wait.. Is this the Brendon who-"

"Broke his heart? Kicked him out of the band? Didn't have the guts to tell him I fucking loved him too?" Brendon blurted "that's me."

Ryan cut Addie off before she could say anything "I just swung by to get that book you borrowed back. Let's not start anything."

She nodded and disappeared into the back room, leaving the two men alone.

"Why didn't you tell me you liked me too?..." Ryan asked after a few awkward seconds.

Brendon sighed "didn't know until you already hated me..."

Ryan sat on the stool next to him "I never hated you, I still don't. Can't hate someone you're in love with."

Brendon heard what he said but said nothing. The two of them could never work.

"Do you still love me, Brendon?"

His silence said it all.

"Kiss me then. You want to."

"Ryan, no."

"Why not?"

"Because you don't love me. You love the person I used to be."

Ryan nodded slowly, seeing the logic in Brendon's words; it didn't stop him for long though "then let me fall in love with you again."

Brendon couldn't argue, he did want that "friends. After that... Whatever happens happens."

A smile pulled on Ryan's lips, lips a younger Brendon would dream about "friends."

Ryan had always been impulsive and followed his heart, sometimes even when it meant going against all better judgment. Apparently that hadn't changed. Brendon still felt something towards the lanky kid he used to know, but he had to remember that the man in front of him now might as well be a stranger.

 

Addie reemerged with a book in her hands "here. You should probably get going, Ryan."

"No," Ryan replied, still looking at Brendon "think I'll stay here a while."

She gave him a concerned look but let it go when another customer called her over.

"I-I'm really sorry about-"

Ryan just shook his head "it's in the past."

"Yeah but we can't just-"

Ryan have him an almost pleading look "we can and we will."

Brendon frowned "why won't you even talk about it?"

Ryan didn't reply for a few seconds "bad memories, Brendon. Don't like remembering all that."

Guilt flooded over Brendon. Of course not. Hearing your best friend say something like that could probably fuck someone up for a long time.

"I'm sorry..." There should be a word besides just 'sorry' to say what he was feeling. A word that said how he would give anything just to make things right. A word that would say how he would spend the rest of his life regretting how he hurt him.

"It's okay." Ryan said, even though it wasn't and they both knew it.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" Brendon asked.

"Not really. I mean, kind of seeing someone but it's nothing serious. You're married."

Brendon laughed coldly "not for much longer."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be, it's better this way."

Ryan took a drink from Brendon's beer and nodded "if you're happy then..."

"I'm not. I want to love her and I should I just-"

"Don't." Ryan finished "yeah. I know."

Brendon looked at him "it's happened to you before?"

Ryan looked down and scratched a heart onto the wood of the bar "kind of... It was how I felt when I realized I loved you but knew I shouldn't."

 

"You two aren't... Killing each other?" Addie asked.

Ryan just smiled and kept his hand near Brendon's "no. We worked it out, actually. AT least I think so"

Addie glanced at their hands and gave Ryan a questioning look "Ry..."

"No. We're just... It's complicated but no."

She nodded and gave them two more beers "on the house."

Brendon looked at Ryan and he swore every second he wanted to kiss Ryan more.

"Thanks, Addison." Ryan said and took a long swig.

She groaned softly "that is not my name, Ry."

"Technically," he slurred slightly "it is."

Brendon laughed "you're still a lightweight, I see."

That just sent him into a fit of hysteric giggles.

 

* * *

 

 

After a few more drinks, Ryan was wasted. Brendon got the feeling that Ryan would keep drinking foir the rest of the night so he stopped him before he could order another of whatever complicated mango flavored drink he had been drinking "Okay, I'm calling you a cab. It's time to-"

His laughter stopped and he looked at Brendon "no!"

Brendon cocked his head "why not?"

"B-because if I go back to my hotel, you won't be there. And then I don't know if I'll see you again."

"I'll come with you and get a room of my own. I'm tired of sleeping on the couch anyway."

Ryan stood shakily and braced his hand on the bar "yeah! We'll have a fuckin' party!"

Brendon laughed and stood as well, putting his arm around Ryan's waist "maybe not a party but we can talk some more."

"Fine, okay, save the party for tomorrow." He slurred as Brendon practically hauled him out the door.

"Something like that." He turned to look at Ryan and found him only centimeters away. Ryan's hazel-brown eyes were filled with a hesitant curiosity, as if even his eyes were asking him what he was going to do next.

 

Brendon pulled away and took out his phone to call an Uber. His hands were shaking and he hoped that Ryan couldn't see, or at least was too drunk to recognize his nervousness.

He knew that this whole thing was insane. He hadn't talked to Ryan in years but yet they were acting like everything was fine. Part of Brendon knew how insane this was, but honestly he didn't care. He'd been missing Ryan for years and now he had him back, he just hoped that things didn't end badly this time.

"Bren?"

"Yeah, Ry?"

"I missed you."

Brendon smiled "I missed you too."

 

* * *

 

The first thing Brendon noticed when he got to Ryan's hotel was how messy he was; he contents of his suitcase was spilling out over the floor and spread over floor. The second thing he noticed was the alcohol; the dresser was lined in bottles and cans and could have passed for a low-quality bar. Brendon said nothing, it wasn't his place to judge seeing as he'd only re-met Ryan an hour or two ago.

"So, what should we do?" Ryan said, sitting down on the bed, his long legs folded awkwardly under him Indian-style.

"I don't really care. Maybe just talk and catch up?"

Brendon sat down on the floor in front of Ryan because it seemed like the best place to be because of the mess on the rest of the bed and the chair.

"Okay.." Ryan replied, but he was preoccupied in trying to disentangle his legs from each other.

"What are you doing these days? I know The Young Veins didn't-"

Ryan cut him off "nothing. I mean, I'm still playing and I'll sometimes get called in to help out with something but besides that..."

Brendon nodded slowly "are you happy?"

Ryan didn't look sad, but he didn't look happy either. It was then that Brendon realized that his old friend might be faking that stunning smile.

"Sometimes. It's hard to tell."

Brendon wanted to hug him and let him cry into his shoulder as he told him everything on his mind, but he couldn't. He lost the chance to be the one Ryan confided in years ago.

"What makes you happy?"

"Playing guitar, sometimes, but sometimes that makes me sad. I like it when Addie takes me places because she's nice and funny. I like looking at the stars, that makes me happy; except there aren't many stars in LA. Oh, and you make me happy; only sometimes though because... Well you know why."

Brendon looked away "I-I know..."

"Are you sad?"

"Now or all the time?"

Ryan shrugged and played absently with the blanket "whichever you want to answer."

"I am sad right now. I feel bad for hurting you."

"I thought we agreed not to talk about that, Bren."

Brendon sighed "yeah, sorry."

"You apologize too much."

"You're too impulsive."

"You think too much."

"You don't think enough."

"You still yell too much..."

Brendon realized he was raising his voice and swallowed nervously, hoping he didn't fuck things up.

"I'm sorry..."

Ryan moved off the bed and sat next to Brendon "it's okay. I just don't like you yelling at me."

"I don't like yelling at you either... I'm really sorry."

Ryan looked at him, his eyes anything but angry "you really do apologize too much. You think it's not okay to make mistakes, but that's what life is. Just fucking up over and _over_ again."

Brendon frowned "is that really how you see it?"

"Sometimes... It's what my life is at least."

"It's not, or at least it shouldn't be."

Ryan tipped his head back to look at the ceiling "maybe... See? There aren't any stars."

Brendon looked at him curiously "that's because we're inside."

"It doesn't matter. There aren't any stars outside either."

Brendon got an idea and smiled a little "then let's go find some."

Ryan looked at him "what?"

Brendon stood up and pulled Ryan with him "we're gonna go find some stars."


	2. Cute Boys Make Quality Blankets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon takes Ryan star gazing.

Brendon was sober enough by now to drive, maybe that wasn't his most legal decision but he'd only had a few beers and that was two hours ago.

He looked over at Ryan, who was looking out the passenger seat window at the passing road. Maybe this sadder, quieter Ryan was just the sober Ryan. He didn't like that thought, the idea that the sweet, innocent boy he used to know had been broken down by life.

"Ry?"

Ryan looked over at him, "yeah?"

"You tired?"

Ryan just shrugged, "not really. Are we there yet?"

"No, not yet..." Brendon said, looking at the window as the lights of the city got dimmer. "But almost."

Ryan stayed silent for a few more minutes.

"Are we there yet _now_?"

Brendon couldn't help but laugh, "no, Ryan. We are not there yet and we will never be there if you don't stop asking."

"Okay... Hey, Brendon?"

"Yes," Brendon said, pleased with himself.

"Are we there yet?"

 

Brendon pulled over a few minutes later. The road was empty and once the car was off, the only noise was the sound of their breathing. They got out silently and Ryan let Brendon lead him over to a patch of grass that looked relatively soft and dry.

"Thank you, Brendon," Ryan said as they laid down, finally breaking the silence.

"You're welcome..."

They slipped back into that familiar silence then for a while. They were both lying on their backs, looking up at the thousands and thousands of stars; none of which they could see from the city.

"Ever think that the stars are watching us?" Ryan said thoughtfully after a few minutes. "Like maybe, now that we're together again, the stars that watched us before are shining brighter because, like, they're happy for us?"

Brendon chuckled softly, "what?"

"Like, sometimes stars get bored of looking at empty space so they look down at all the humans and maybe some of the stars remember us and now they're happy because we're together again?"

"So... The stars ship Ryden?"

Ryan giggled, "yeah, yeah that."

 

"What are we doing, Bren?"

"What do you mean? You want to go back?" Brendon asked, hoping he wasn't boring Ryan.

"No, that's not what I mean. Like, why are we even together? Shouldn't we hate each other?"

Brendon was relieved that Ryan was still happy being around him, but not that much because he had a point. "Probably. I wanted to hate you, I just couldn't. I missed you so much and-"

He was cut off by Ryan rolling onto him and pressing their lips together. Brendon didn't know how to react at all and didn't react for a few seconds. Then what actually was happening hit Brendon and he pushed Ryan off of him.

They stared at each other for a few seconds before Ryan sat up "sorry..."

Brendon sighed and sat next to him, his arm around the other boy's waist "it's fine... We just really need to go slow for this to work."

Ryan nodded and sighed softly "yeah... I know..."

"I'm not saying it won't happen." Brendon said, feeling guilty for hurting Ryan again.

"I know. I understand. I have a problem with thinking through my decisions sometimes, or at least that's what people say."

He was right, but Brendon wouldn't say that so he stayed silent.

"But it's still better than trying to logic your way through everything until you miss all your chances."

Ryan was right again. The truth was that Brendon thought too much. He wanted to kiss Ryan again and just run away with him; abandon the city, the media, the whole world; but of course he's never even kiss Ryan so that was irrelevant.

"Maybe. Neither are really good." Brendon said, standing up.

"Where're you going?" Ryan asked curiously, looking up at him.

To be honest, Brendon didn't care, he just needed to go somewhere. If he kept sitting there with Ryan he was going to kiss him and not pull away.

"It's getting really late, Ry. Should we go back?"

Ryan laid back down and looked up at Brendon, but his mind seemed to be somewhere else. "Do we have to?"

Brendon sat back down beside him "we don't have to, but-"

"Do you want to?"

"Honestly," Brendon said, looking down at the other boy's body, stretched out on the grass "no."

"Then why should we?"

"Work and stuff. I don't know, I'm trying to be responsible."

Ryan smiled "fuck it. I haven't seen you in years, don't ruin this."

Brendon nodded and closed his eyes again. He didn't open them even when he felt Ryan rest his head on his chest, just wrapped his arm around the older boy's waist.

Being with Ryan felt so right but also like the weirdest thing he'd ever experienced. Like he was reliving a good memory.

 

* * *

 

 

Brendon wasn't sure when Ryan fell asleep but he did at some point. Brendon didn't know what to do besides stay still and close his own eyes. Before he knew it, he was asleep too.

 

_"Brendon?" Ryan asked as he walked into the room._

_Brendon looked up at him and smiled "hey, Ry. What's up?"_

_Ryan shuffled nervously "I, uh, p-promise not to get mad?..."_

_"Ryan," Brendon said, looking up at his friend "I could never be mad at you. What's wrong?"_

_Ryan sauced and looked away "I-I really like you..."_

_Brendon paused a second to accept what Ryan had said "y-you mean... More than friends?..."_

_Ryan tensed and nodded, like he expected Brendon to yell._

_"Ryan, I-I like you too..."_

_Ryan's hazel eyes lifted again his face lit up "really?"_

_Brendon smiled and stood up "really."_

_Ryan tackled him in a tight hug "o-oh my god, I thought I was going to lose you."_

_Brendon shook his head "you'll never lose me, RyRo. Never."_

_Ryan looked at him and suddenly Brendon relaxed how close they were. Usually he would have pulled away but the closeness felt so right and he found himself moving closer. He was almost surprised when their lips touched in a gentle kiss but it felt even more right than before._

_Ryan pulled away after only a few seconds but he was smiling "I love you, Bren."_

_"I love you to too, Ryan."_

 

Brendon woke up when he felt that the solid body that has been sleeping peacefully on his chest and serving as his blanket was moving. He opened one eye to see a lightening sky and Ryan sitting up and rubbing his eyes. His hair was messy from sleep and sticking in every direction in the most adorable way; but Brendon didn't think that because he didn't like Ryan, nope, not at all.

"Sorry," he said in a sleepy voice, still rough and soft from not being used.

"It's fine. I was tired too." Brendon said as he sat up at well. His back hurt a little from the hard ground but less than he would have expected.

"I should get back to the hotel, and you need to get home and see your wife."

Brendon couldn't help but notice Ryan's bitter tone when he said that, but he ignored it.

"Probably. I'll see you again?"

Ryan nodded and stood up "can I see your phone?"

Brendon handed it to him, a little unsure of what he planned to do with it.

Ryan typed something in and then handed it back to Brendon. He looked at the screen and smiled. Open was a new contact displaying a number under the name: "❤️RyRo❤️"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2!!!! I hope you guys like the story so far, you can subscribe and leave kudos if you do. As always, feedback and constructive criticism are always appreciated so leave them in the comments. See you next week with chaper 3!


	3. Dogs And Other Ways To Make Boys Want You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon finally starts figuring stuff out with Sarah.

Brendon parked outside Ryan's house but didn't get out. After this, he would have to go home. Back home to someone he didn't love and leave someone he- wait, no, he didn't love Ryan, not even a little bit.

"Thank you for tonight..." Ryan mumbled, like he was trying to drag this out too. He got out and smiled a little before turning and walking back to the hotel. Brendon hated to see him go; although it did give him a chance to check out his- God fucking damn it, not again.

He looked back and waved, calling loud enough for Brendon to hear "you'll text me, right?"

Brendon pulled himself out of his homosexual fantasies and nodded "yeah of course. Goodnight, or morning? Whatever, I'll text you."

"You better!" Ryan flashed him a stunning smile before going back inside, leaving Brendon alone again.

 

* * *

 

 

Sarah was already awake when Brendon got back. She looked up at him from her coffee mug, her blue eyes empty if any sort of emotion. "You didn't come home last night." She said as more of an observation than an accusation.

"I ran into an old friend, sorry."

He hated what they'd become; they didn't _not_ get along, they just didn't get along romantically anymore. His heart didn't flutter anymore when she smiled and her eyes didn't light up when she saw him; they were friends at best.

"Brendon, are we ever going to talk?"

The question caught him of guard. He was so used to not talking about it that he just got used to it.

"Um... Yeah, s-sure..."

He sat down in his favorite chair and looked at her, unsure of what to say.

"We can't just... This isn't working, for either of us. We'll still be friends but this..."

"I know... I think..." Brendon swallowed, this would make things seem more permanent in a way "I think I should move out."

She didn't seem surprised. She didn't seem _anything_. She just nodded and looked down at her coffee mug.

"I'll start looking for a place tonight." He said as he got up.

"Wait," she said softly and stood up as well.

She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. He was surprised at first but hugged back.

"We're still friends, right?" She asked, tucking her face into the crook of his neck.

"Of course we are. We're just not together anymore."

 

Brendon had almost forgotten about the new contact in his contact list. He only remembered around 7:30 PM when I Write Sins Not Tragedies came on the radio - curse that song and it's popularity and Ryan's cute face and- oh yeah, Ryan.

He closed the Twitter app and opened Messaging. He spent a good twenty minutes composing the perfect text before settling on "hey."

He waited a few minutes- on Twitter, not on Messaging, because that could be considered desperate, and he wasn't that, nope.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** Who is this?

Brendon probably could have put a little more thought into his message.

 **Brendon:** Sorry, this is Brendon.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** Hey! What's up?

 **Brendon:** Nothing really. Sarah's out with a "friend" so I'm home alone.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** Is that an invitation to come over?

 **Brendon:** Sorry, no. Taking it slow, remember?

The idea of having Ryan over was tempting but it couldn’t happen.

❤ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** Aw, you’re no fun. I just wanted to hang out, not make out.

 **Brendon** : Still no. Another time.

He didn’t get a reply for another few minutes and got worried that he had said something wrong but soon enough the little green Message icon popped back up. He forgot that Ryan probably wasn’t just texting him and waiting desperately for a reply- which totally wasn’t what Brendon was doing, totally not.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** Are you upset about Sarah?

Woah, loaded question. He could lie; he _could_ say he was fine and happy and moving on, but he didn’t.

 **Brendon:** Yeah. I don’t really love her anymore, I just feel like I should. I guess I just liked the way it was before and miss that.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** I know what you mean. Change is always hard. Have a virtual hug.

Brendon couldn’t help but smile at that.

 **Brendon:** Thank you! I’m okay, it’s just kind of hard right now.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** I’m sorry I’m not good at comforting people. I feel like I’m not helping.

 **Brendon:** Aw, no. You’re helping a lot just by talking to me. Thank you.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** Will a picture of my dog help?

Brendon actually laughed out loud at how cute Ryan was- in a purely platonic way _obviously._

 **Brendon:** Obviously. Dogs make me very happy.

A few seconds passed before a picture of Ryan with a brown and white basset hound showed up under Brendon’s reply. It was adorable- the dog, not Ryan, and Ryan, Ryan was adorable.

 **Brendon:** Aw!

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** Isn’t she adorable?! Her name is Dottie and I love her.

 **Brendon:** I love her too. She is an angel dog.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** One day you can come over and she can slobber on you.

 **Brendon:** Yay! Wait, where was she at the hotel?

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** Brendon, I don’t live in a hotel. I have a house. I was in a hotel so I didn’t have to get up so early for some meetings I had.

Brendon felt a little stupid. Of course he didn’t live in the fucking hotel, but y’know, he never really thought about it. He just assumed that was Ryan’s home or something.

 **Brendon:** Ohhhhh, that makes more sense.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** Lol, cute. But no, I do have a home.

 **Brendon:** Probably should have figured that out.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** Nah, it’s fine. It makes some sense.

 **Brendon:** Either way, I’ll make sure to visit wherever the hell you live sometime and meet your angel dog.

❤️ **RyRo** ❤️ **:** lol obviously.

 

* * *

  
“Brendon?”

Brendon looked up from his computer that was open to a list of nearby apartments to see Sarah standing in the doorway.

“Yeah?”

She didn’t say anything and just sat down on the bed they used to share next to him. He knew her well enough to know she was upset and he moved his computer so he could wrap her in his arms.

“I’m really going to miss you…”

“I know..” He whispered “I’m going to miss you too.”

“You’re my best friend, y-you know that, right?”

“I know, Sarah. You’re mine too. This won’t change that.” he hadn’t believed those words until then, but somehow saying it made it feel real.

“Will you sleep in here tonight?”

He nodded without even having to think about it. She needed company tonight and he was still the one she turned to for that. They laid down together and she curled up in his arms. For a moment, things seemed normal again.

“Bren?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you. Not like I used to but, like, a-as friends…”

He turned off the light and pulled the blanket around them “I love you too. That’ll never change.” he hesitated a second “d-do you not want me to move out?”

She sighed softly “no, but it’s better if you do. It’s just hard. I think part of me still hopes that I’ll fall back in love with you but…”

“Me too… But it’s time to move on.”

“Do you ever think we’ll love anyone else like that again?”

A thought of Ryan flashed through his mind and he nodded “It won’t be the same, but we’ll find new people. We’ll fall back in love, just not with each other.”

“I’ve k-kind of been seeing someone…”

Brendon didn’t feel hurt by that, in fact, he was happy for her.

“I think I love him…”

“I’m happy for you, really, I am.”

She smiled a little “you should start seeing people too, I think it helps.”

  
“Maybe I will. We’ll just have to see what happens.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading, it means a lot. I'd really love it if you guys left some comments so I know what you guys think. But anyways, see you next week! Love you guys!


	4. You Can Have Everything But I'm Keeping The Dog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things with Sarah get complicated, but maybe that's just the anxiety.

Brendon opened his eyes and smiled at the familiar feeling of having Sarah still curled up with him. She was awake and reading on her phone, trying not to move so as not to wake him. He nudged her side to let her know he was awake, too tired to say anything.

“Good morning.” She said with a smile.

He groaned and buried his face in the pillow, because if he hid from the sun for long enough, all his problems would go away- right? Right.

She got up and he opened one eye to see what she was doing, but he was far too tired to follow her when she left the room. He almost fell back asleep until he smelled coffee; that woke him up.

He stretched and got up, shuffling into the kitchen where Sarah was going through the fridge.

“Do you want help?” He asked groggily.

She shook her head as she got a jar of jam down from the shelf “I'm just making toast, I'll be fine.”

He smiled and nodded, taking a sip of the coffee sitting on the counter.

“How did everything go yesterday?” She asked casually.

“Oh, um, the meeting with Lowe?”

Lowe was their divorce lawyer whom Brendon had met with before the bar.

She nodded and slid a plate of toast to him across the counter.

“I mean, I was kind of late to the meeting but, y’know, legal stuff.”  
She rolled her eyes and kicked his foot playfully “I know that, what kind of legal stuff?”

“Money, mainly.”

“Like, who gets it?”

Brendon nodded and kept his eyes on his coffee. “Yeah…”

She moved closer to him in a comforting way “What did you say?”

“I-I said we’d talk, I-”

Sarah rested her hand on his shoulder “Hey, don’t freak out. We’ll figure it out.”

He nodded and stayed silent, letting her talk.

“I’m sure there’s an easy solution. We’ll be fine, Bren.”

“I know. I’m just scared I’ll mess something up, well, more than I already have.”

“Brendon,” She breathed, moving even closer “You didn’t mess anything up. This is just a part of life, okay? It’s no one’s fault.”

He didn’t say anything, but he also saw her logic. He knew that this stuff happened. They were just always the perfect couple, but now…

“Brendon,” She repeated “Brendon, this is a good thing. I know it doesn’t feel like it but it is. Once this is over, we can move on and be happy.”

“Happy, yeah, got it. Thanks.”

 

* * *

 

An hour later, he was back to looking for an apartment. He hadn’t gotten far before Sarah interrupted the night before; not that he minded but it put him behind.

It shouldn’t be hard to find a one person apartment in all of LA but somehow it was. Money wasn’t exactly a problem for Brendon but that didn’t make it that much easier. Plus he needed to be able to keep a dog; Penny was coming. That had been the cause of a small argument because they both wanted her but in the end, it had been Brendon who picked her out so he would get to keep her. Stuff like that made the whole ordeal harder; who got money, who got Penny, who got the house; complicated was an understatement- speaking of complicated, how was Ryan?

He sighed and got his phone off the dresser where he’d left it the night before and almost felt a little disappointed that there weren’t any messages from him. He considered texting him but he was busy; Ryan was only a distraction- a very _very_ hot distraction.

 

He sat back down, only half-wanting to text the hazel-eyed boy that he, in all seriousness, shouldn’t know anymore. Looking through lists of apartments was actual hell and with every dead-end link, he got more and more bored. After ten minutes, playing with the strings of his cardigan was a thousand times more interesting than his computer. He was so uninterested by the screen that he almost scrolled right past one that matched his ideal description.

_Two Bedroom Rental, East Los Angeles, beach view, pets welcome._

The rest of the following info was how to contact the owner and the address and stuff but from what Brendon could see, it looked really nice. It wasn’t even an apartment either, thank god, he didn’t feel like revisiting his broke college student days. He bookmarked the link and closed the tab; he was too lazy to be any more productive than that. He’s call the owner that night, after a break that may or may not involve a conversation with Ryan.

  


Ryan’s reply to his text came after a few minutes and interrupted Brendon’s episode of Orange Is The New Black.

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Hey! What’s up?

 **Brendon:** Nothing much. Netflix.

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Ooh! What show!?

 **Brendon:** Oitnb. It’s an addiction.

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** OMG HOW FAR ARE YOU WHATS HAPPENING

Brendon laughed and got his laptop back out so he could watch Netflix on that while still texting Ryan.

 **Brendon:** Piper found a chicken and Red is freaking out.

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** OMG OMG OMG THATS SUCH A GOOD EPISODE WE NEED TO HAVE AN OITNB PARTY ASAP

 **Brendon:** chill

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** I have no chill when it comes to Netflix.

 **Brendon:** Clearly not.  But yeah, we need had an oitnb party

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** That sounds great. We can make cupcakes

 **Brendon:** Why cupcakes? I mean, I’m always a slut for cupcakes but why?

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Why not cupcakes?

 **Brendon:** Good point. Cupcakes it is. I’m moving though so it should be at your house.

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Yay! When do you want to come over?

Brendon thought for a few minutes and checked his calendar to see when he had meetings.

 **Brendon:** Two weekends from now?

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Saturday or Sunday?

 **Brendon:** What about overnight?

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Oh! Fun! Sleepover!

Brendon smiled at the idea. His mind wandered a little to possibilities of Ryan falling asleep on him or cuddling on the couch with him, but he tried to ignore it.

 **Brendon:** That sounds great. I’ll see you then.

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** I’ll text you my address before you come over. It’ll be great.

 

* * *

  
Sarah came home early that night. Brendon was just starting dinner when Penny started barking to alert him that someone was at the door. He was surprised when she walked into the kitchen, she was never home this early.

“Hey,” she said casually, as if this was normal.

“Hey. You're home early.”

“Yeah… I left work early to talk to Lowe.”

He turned away from the pan of vegetables on the stove and looked at her “you had a meeting today?”

“No,” she admitted “you were so upset yesterday, I went in to see what our options were.”

Brendon was grateful, although he felt a little guilty because she didn't have to do that.

“You didn't ha-”

She cut him off and put her hands on his shoulders “yeah I did. I didn't mind. So anyway, because your income is so much higher than mine, it's kind of complicated. What he said is for it to be fair, either I'd get the majority of the money or I could still have access to funds for a period of time, the second one is pretty complicated though.”

Brendon nodded and weighed both options. It wasn't as if her getting the majority of their shared account would make him broke by any means so that made a lot of sense. He couldn't help but feel bad though; saying his income was higher than hers was the understatement of the year.

“That makes sense. That works. Are you going to be okay?”

She laughed “Of course I’ll be okay. I don’t need a ton of money, we never have.”

“Yeah, I know, but it might be hard to adjust.” he reasoned.

“Probably for a while, but it’ll be fine, okay?”

He nodded and smiled “you’re right. Sorry, I just feel like I’m going to mess stuff up.”

She shook her head and smiled at him “we’ll be fine, I promise. Worst case scenario, I’ll steal all your money and leave you homeless.”

“I’d rather you didn't do that.”

“Well putting me in a good mood will help with that. And burning dinner isn't doing that.”

Brendon remembered the pan of vegetables on the stove and she laughed at his flustered expression.

“Oh. Shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! I really hope you guys are liking it. It would mean the world to me if you left some comments saying what you think because I haven't gotten any yet, sorry I know that sounds needy. I'd love to hear your feedback to PLEASE don't feel like your comments wouldn't matter. 
> 
> See you next week!


	5. I'm Not a Liar I'm Just not Telling the Truth (There's a Difference)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As it turns out, Ryan's reappearance in Brendon's life makes things complicated

Brendon dreamt about Ryan again that night. He didn’t even remember what had happened, he just remember Ryan being part of it; and maybe that was a good thing seeing as he also woke up with Northern Downpour stuck in his head.

Sarah was already up and maybe out for a walk with Penny when he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the coffee pot. Thank god for coffee. Like seriously, what if coffee was never invented? What would lazy ass humans with no energy do? Bathe in 5-Hour Energy? No thank you.

He spent a good ten minutes waking up before he actually noticed the note, the corner tucked under the coffee pot to keep it in place. This was always how Sarah let him know stuff if she left before he woke because she knew the first place he would go once he woke was straight to the coffee maker.

_'Some stuff came up with work today. I’ll be home at 6._

_-S'_

Brendon didn’t bother to toss the note out because he might need it later- that’s a lie, it was because the trash can was all the way on the other side of the room.

He had to go and do a radio show that day so he wouldn’t be home much either. Speaking of which, he had to actually get ready for that. It was radio, so he didn’t have to look all that nice, but he did have to change into something besides just his Superman sweatpants- they’re comfy, okay?

He went back into his room to get ready after he finished his coffee. Penny was sprawled out across the bed and he was _very_ jealous of her. He really did want nothing more than to curl back up in bed- and maybe it would be nice to also have a certain 5’11, hazel-eyes boy with him, maybe.

 

* * *

 

 

“With us today is lead singer of Panic!at the Disco, Brendon Urie.” the woman hosting the radio show said into the mic “honor to have you here, Brendon.”

“Honor to be here.” he replied with a smile. He never minded the publicity, although it sometimes was a little annoying.

“So I have some questions from Twitter that fans sent that we can start off with. @bandom-trash325 asks, ‘if you could bring back any old member, who would it be?’”

Brendon knew the honest answer was of course Ryan but saying that might send every single fan into cardiac arrest.

“I don’t know. I loved all the people I’ve worked with over the years. I don’t think I’d bring anyone back, per say, just because as people left, the band changed so an old member might not fit well anymore.”

“@pattycakestump asks ‘what is your favorite song to perform live?’”

He had to think about that for a second “um, I guess it depends on my mood. Victorious is probably one of the most fun, but it’s also great to play stuff like Death Of A Bachelor or This Is Gospel. It really just depends on what the crowd is like and what the atmosphere is.”

“The final Twitter question I have is from @lillylovespanic who asks ‘have you had any contact with Ryan Ross since the split?”

“No,” he lied “Ryan and I have not… We did not part on good terms unfortunately and I have not interacted with him. That was a mutual decision.”

Saying it hurt even more that it wasn’t true.

“Well, Brendon” she said, pulling him back to reality “thank you so much for your time. This is Panic!’s new single Victorious.”

The music started playing and the mics shut off. He thanked people for having him and talked for a few minutes to various people; discussing tour, music, and just what his life was like. Most people asked the same old questions, which he didn’t really mind answering but he’d admit, they got old; but one boy, probably an intern judging by age, caught him off guard.

“Would you ever give it all up?”

Brendon furrowed his brows and looked at him.

“I mean, is there anything that might make you want to give up on music and just live a normal life?”

Maybe a few days ago, he would have just said no and that he loved music too much to give it up but his mind flashed back to that night with Ryan under the stars. He had actually really wanted to just get in the car and drive with him forever. Never worry about Sarah, or media, or anything. Maybe he was just wanting to run away from his problems though.

“I don’t know… That’s actually a really hard question. There are some things that make me want to give it up sometimes, but I’d never follow through with it. Music is my passion so, no, I’d never give it up.”

  
Brendon sat down in the little cafe, his laptop out in front of him. He needed to get out of the house for a while and this was always a great place. Music was always playing, sometimes even live, and everything was peaceful and perfect for writing. He loaded his emails and opened one that he had starred as one to reply to later; apparently, later had come.

He didn’t pay much attention to what he was writing and ended up spacing out a little. There was a couple sitting in the table near the window, their hands clasped under the table and grins plastered on their faces. Brendon could tell that they were in love, even just from glancing at them. He missed that feeling. he hadn’t felt it in so long. He missed his heart fluttering and the way just a smile or brush of a hand could make him feel weak. He was always a romantic and after so many years of being with Sarah, not being in a relationship felt weird. He didn’t like it and was jealous of everyone who had someone like he used to.

He sighed and took a sip of his coffee, looking back at his computer. He tried to focus more on his work and less on his personal life. If he just kept his eyes on the screen and his mind on his words, maybe he could get through a few repetitive emails. Would you mind doing this?

 _Could I bother you to help me with this thing? Will you perform at this thing?_ He should really pay someone to do this for him, but they’d probably just end up asking him for the answers anyway. It was easier when he had other people in the band. Well, obviously, there were still other people in the band, but they just weren’t involved with the business side as much; which left Brendon to work pretty much all the work.

 

* * *

 

 

He was actually getting work done for a while but was interrupted by a tap on his shoulder. He looked up to see a girl standing before him. She could have been a model; chestnut skin, curly brown hair that fell to her shoulders, dark eyes, and slashes of freckles along her cheeks.

“Hi.” she said confidently.

“Hey,” he replied uncertainly, not sure what she wanted.

“You’re pretty hot. Can I get your number?”

Brendon blinked a few times before snapping himself out of his daze. “oh, um,” he mumbled, probably making a complete fool of himself. He was about to say yes but suddenly he remembered Ryan. He had said that there was a chance they would get together, going out with someone else wouldn’t be fair to either of them. “I’m actually with someone,” he lied, opting as not to tell the full story because that was a long emotional roller coaster he did not want to embark on today “sorry.”

She smiled and nodded respectfully “okay, sorry to bother you. Have a nice day.” with that she strode out. He closed his computer and put it back into his bag, it seemed like a good time to leave now. Maybe he could look more into the new rental house for a while.

 

* * *

 

 

“Sounds perfect. When do you want to come see the house?” the landlord said over the phone. Brendon had decided to call about the house once he got home, something he had been procrastinating since he found the place.

“Does this Saturday afternoon work for you?”

“Sounds perfect. Call or email if you need anything.”

“Will do, see you then.”

Brendon hung up and tossed his phone onto the couch before flopping down on top of it. He didn’t move again until the phone vibrated under his ass. He groaned and arched his back to get it out without getting up, expecting to be some useless person with more useless information for Brendon to add to his useless life.

He was pleasantly surprised to instead see a new message from Ryan.

❤️RyRo❤️: heyyyy

Brendon chuckled and hit the reply button without really paying attention to what he was doing.

He was surprised to see Ryan’s face pop up on his screen. He looked good; like inhumanly good. His hair fell messily over his eyes and he had that indescribable sleepy, I-just-woke-up look on his face. He had the blankets pulled over him but Brendon could tell that he was shirtless from his exposed shoulder and side.

“Brendon?” Ryan asked after a few seconds, trying not to smile “did you facetime me just to stare at me?”

 Brendon realized that he had hit the facetime button instead by accident and that was why he was looking at Ryan's very adorable face instead of a text conversation “oh, sorry,  um, hi.”

Ryan laughed, his eyes wrinkling at the edges “hi.”

“You look…” he searched for a word that was a little less than ‘stunning’ or ‘like someone I would totally fuck like mad but would also take out to dinner and buy flowers for.’

“Tired,” Ryan completed.

Brendon laughed “yeah, that too, but not in a bad way. You look cute.”

“So you called to flirt with me? I’m down. At what point do I take my pants off?” Ryan kept a straight face, but it was clear that he was joking and loving it.

“Ryan, _no_ . That is _not_ the purpose of this call!”

Ryan raised an eyebrow and hummed “what is the purpose then?”

Brendon rolled his eyes and shrugged “don’t know yet, socialization?”

“Sexualization, more like it.”

“I hate you.”

Brendon grinned and propped his phone up so he could steady the focus and see Ryan better.

“Pretty sure you love me, actually.” Ryan yawned and somehow made it adorable- how could he do that? It wasn’t fair.

“Wha…” he yawned as well “whatever.”

“Don’t ‘whatever’ me, it’s true.”

“Whatever. I admit to nothing. Are you still in bed? It’s like noon.”

Ryan shrugged “yeah, I’m warm. Why would I move?”

Brendon smiled at the memories he had of sleeping in and watching movies with Ryan when they were kids- platonically, of course.

“True. You’re lucky.”

“I heard you on the radio, you little liar.” he smirked, which was even more attractive than it had been years ago, more mature.

“What did you want me to say? Oh yeah, saw Ryan a few days ago, we kissed.”

The gleam in Ryan’s eyes faded a little “sorry about that…”

“It’s fine, I’m glad you did.” maybe that wasn’t the most platonic thing to say here but it was true.

“Glad to know you enjoyed it,” Ryan laughed “you’re not too bad yourself.”

“Oh shut up. It was barely a kiss anyway.”

“Excuse me?” Ryan said, feigning offence “was our first kiss not _good enough_ for you?”

“Don’t call it that! It was- it wasn’t that.”

“Spark my memory, have we kissed before? Because if not, then it _was_ our first kiss.”

Brendon groaned. _Yes_ , he was right, but no one wants to think about having their “first kiss” with a friend, far easier to call it a slightly intoxicated mistake and move on.

“It won’t happen again, dude. I’m trying to forget.”

“Don’t,” Ryan said stubbornly “don’t pretend you don’t feel something.”

“I don’t know what I feel, Ry.” he replied solemnly.

“I know. Neither do I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about not posting last week, I had really bad writer's block. 
> 
> It would mean a lot to me if you guys could leave some comments. I haven't gotten much feedback on this story yet and getting some would be great. Thank you guys so much for reading though. Next chapter will be up next week so subscribe for updates.


	6. Pretending Not To Know Your Love Interest Is Harder Than It Sounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryan needs a little help, Brendon is happy to volunteer himself.

Sarah came home late that night, late to the point where Brendon had given up on waiting and calling just eaten dinner alone. He was playing piano when she walked in and he was almost surprised she came home at all.

“Oh, hey. Where were you?” He asked once he heard the door open.

“Er, um, well…” she stuttered before looking away “you remember how I said I was seeing someone?”

He nodded and waited for her to continue, which she did after a few seconds of hesitation.

“We just meant to go out for a walk, but then we saw a movie and I ate dinner there because it was so late. I’m sorry..”

He stood up and took her hands, which were shaking “it’s fine, Sarah. We’re not together, you can see people.”

“I know.. I just feel weird about it, like it’s wrong.”

“It isn’t,” he consoled “you’re not doing anything wrong.”

“Yeah,” she muttered “I know, but that doesn’t make it feel more weird. Anyway, I heard the interview today.”

He sat down in the armchair and let go of her hands “yeah? How was it?”

She sat in the chair next to him “pretty good. God, they really want you and Ryan to be a thing, huh? Don’t they get that you guys don’t talk?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, who knows, it’s a mystery.”

“You usually don’t answer questions about him, why the change?”

He shrugged “I didn’t feel like asking them to not ask about him.” hopefully that was more convincing than it sounded to him.

“Makes sense. Do they still think you guys were in love or whatever?”

“A-apparently, no clue where they got that idea.” he said, shifting a little and looking down at his hands “I’m pretty tired so I think I’m going to go up to bed, you can stay up if you want.” He got up and looked at her, waiting for a reply.

She shook her head “I’ll be up in a while, you go ahead.”

He nodded in acknowledgment and left the room. His phone was still laying on the coffee table, the screen lighting up every few seconds to say he had a notification. He grabbed it without looking at the flashing banner on the lock screen as he went up the stairs to the bedroom. Penny followed him and jumped onto the bed, flopping down and curling up quickly. Brendon changed into sweatpants and laid down, finally checking his phone.

 **❤️RyRo❤️** : i misssed you. Don’t leave again

He furrowed his eyebrows and texted back: I missed you too. Are you okay?

It took him a few minutes to reply and Brendon got a little worried.

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Im greatt

 **Brendon:** What are you doing?

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Just going out

A thought dawned on him and he sighed: Have you had anything to drink?

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** few glasses of wine, like five at most, maybe six

He sat up and he chewed on his lip: Don’t drink anymore, okay?

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Why not?

 **Brendon:** Because you’ve had enough

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Im FINE Bren!

He huffed and pulled t-shit on, patting Penny on the head gently as a farewell. He pulled a pair of sneakers on without bothering to put on socks, he’d deal with the blisters later. He trotted down the stair and stuck his head back into the living room where Sarah was reading “I’m heading out for a few minutes, I need to run an errand for a friend.”

“Okay, drive safe.” she said, raising her head to look at him.

“I will, I’ll be back soon.”

He walked back out and grabbed his keys off the table, happy she didn’t ask any more questions. He went out to the car and got in, texting Ryan again: Where are you? I want to hang out

 **❤️RyRo❤️:** Really!? Yay! You know the bar on MLK? Stellas or something

 

* * *

 

 

Brendon texted back that he was on his way and for Ryan to not go anywhere before pulling onto the road and following his phone’s directions to the bar Ryan had said. Fortunately it wasn’t far and Brendon found it easily.

Ryan was inside and sat at the bar, talking to a girl sitting beside him. Brendon walked over and put his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. He jumped and turned around to face Brendon, his face lighting up when he saw him. “Bren! Hi!”

Brendon smiled politely but didn’t sit down “hey, Ry. How are you?”

“Great! I missed you though, I’m glad we’re hanging out now.”

“Uh, yeah, about that… Ryan, we’re gonna go now. It’s late and you should sleep.”

Ryan’s smile faded “do I have to?”

“Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Come on, I’ll drive you home.”

He stood up shakily and took Brendon’s arm to steady himself “no, um, that’s okay. I’ll just call a cab.” he mumbled.

“Ry, no, we can still hang out just… just not here. Why don’t we go back to your place?”

He shook his head “it’s alright. You’re probably tired and-”

“Why don’t we go somewhere then? Are you hungry?”

Ryan shrugged “I could eat. Do you really want to hang out?”

“Yeah,” Brendon said honestly “I do. Let’s go grab something and I’ll drop you off. Where do you want to go?”

“Wherever. I don’t care. I’m not drunk, by the way.”

Brendon put his arm around Ryan -just to make sure he wouldn’t run off, no other reason, not at all because he put loved having Ryan close to him. “You sure?”

“I’m not. At least I shouldn’t be. I didn’t drink all that much.”

Brendon wasn’t sure if he believed him but he didn’t argue. “Okay, I still don’t think you should be drinking any more though.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Ryan said as Brendon led him to his car “I just wanted you to know.”

Brendon got into the driver’s seat and waited for Ryan to buckle his seatbelt before starting to drive to a cafe he knew was open twenty four hours “okay. So you only had a few glasses of wine?”

Ryan nodded and looked out the window “yeah. I was going to go out to dinner with Addie but one of her cats caught a squirrel and she needed to take the squirrel to the animal hospital, so I was alone. Usually that’s fine with me but, I don’t know, I got a little upset. I had had a few glasses of wine at the restaurant and then I got a beer after at the bar. Thanks for picking me up, I probably wouldn’t have stopped.”

Brendon looked at him for a few seconds before finding the words he was looking for “Ryan, do you think you should see someone about your drinking?”

“I do see someone. It got pretty bad for a while but I’m getting it under control.”

“If you ever need someone to pick you up,” Brendon said, trying to spare as many glances at Ryan as he could without crashing the car “just let me know.”

Ryan smiled and it was genuine, not just a drunken smile “thank you, really. You’ve been great.”

“Just making up for what happened before.”

“You don’t need to though, I forgave you.”

 

Brendon didn’t say anything. He wanted to just keep apologizing but he knew better because Ryan would just change the topic. Ryan stayed silent as well so they drove in silence for a while. It reminded him of the first night they reconnected; driving at night, neither talking, both clearly wanting to say something.

Ryan was the one to break the silence first “you worry about me, don’t you?”

Brendon looked over at him “huh?”

“With the drinking. You worry that I have a problem.”

“Well, yeah, a little…” he admitted.

“I wish you wouldn’t. I’m okay now.”

“I know, I just always worry.”

Ryan put his hand on Brendon’s leg “I’m fine, well, I’m getting there.”

“Okay. I’m glad you’re doing well.”

“Me too.”

 

* * *

 

 

Brendon pulled into the parking lot and put his hand down on Ryan’s as he parked. “Let’s head inside.” he glanced at the clock on the dashboard “is it 1:30 AM already?”

Ryan got out “guess so. Sarah know you’re out?”

“Shit.” he mumbled and pulled out his phone. No missed calls or messages so she couldn’t be that worried, but he texted her that he’d be a while anyway.

Ryan waited for him to walk in before following, blinking a few times at the lighting change.

“What do you want to eat?” he said, turning back to Ryan once they were inside. No one else was there besides a tired college-aged student behind the counter.

“I don’t care, whatever you’re getting.”

Brendon nodded and ordered two small coffees as well as sandwiches for both of them before sitting down at the table with Ryan.

“Thank you, again. I thought I would be okay to be drinking like that again…”

Brendon handed him the coffee “it’s nothing. Plus you didn’t get drunk off your ass or anything and that’s what matters.”

“Yeah but I could have, B. I don’t want to be that person again.”

“You’re not. I didn’t know that person but it’s pretty clear it wasn’t you. You’re amazing, funny, smart, attractive... “ he trailed off “anyway, you’re great. You don’t need to worry about that.”

“Yeah yeah, I hear you. I can’t help being worried though.”

Brendon put his hand on Ryan’s for a second but realized what he was doing and pulled away “you’re strong enough to do this, I know you are. And you can always come to me for help, if you need it.”

Ryan smiled again “thank you.. It’s really great to have someone here for me.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you need me to drive you home?” Brendon asked once they finished their food and coffees.

“Nah, I’ll call a cab. You go back home.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind.”

“Yes, Brendon. Go.” he urged, smiling.

“Just make sure to get home, okay? No stargazing adventures.”

Ryan laughed and nudged Brendon towards his car “I promise I’ll go straight home. Addie and I are going out tomorrow so I actually do need to sleep. She’d kill me if I was exhausted all day.”

Brendon really hoped he was telling the truth. He knew Ryan could handle himself most of the time but there was still a part of him that wondered if he might go back to a bar, although he was pretty sure most bars were closed by 2:30 AM.

“Alright,” he got his keys out and unlocked his car “want me to wait with you?”

“No, you get home and sleep, I’ll text you once I’m home if it’ll make you feel better.”

“Yeah, that'd be nice.” He said a little sheepishly. “Sorry I'm being so protective or whatever.”

“Don't be. It's good to know you give a shit.”

He smiled “I really do. Goodnight, Ry.”  
“See you, B.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was so late, I had really bad writer's block last week and meant to post this on Sunday but I got sick. I hope you guys are liking it so far, leave a comment if you are. I also don't mind constructive criticism so you can leave that too. Anyway, that's all for this week. See you next chapter!


	7. Platonically Dating To Piss Off The Elderly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon checks out the new house and goes for a walk.

Brendon pulled up outside the house on Saturday. He hadn’t seen Ryan since that night at the cafe on Wednesday and had been too busy working out all the legal stuff with Sarah to text him much. 

He got out of the car and walked up to the front door. It was opened by a man around Brendon’s age with shockingly green eyes.

“Hi,” Brendon greeted and shook the man’s hand “you must be Mr. Kaiser.”

“Please call me Alan,” he replied. “So, Urie, isn't it?”

“Yeah, but just Brendon is fine.”

“I'll show you around then.” He said, leading Brendon inside.

 

The house was large but not huge. Brendon’s favorite part was that the back porch lead directly onto one of LA’s many gorgeous beaches.

They went through the bedrooms and went over all the policies and legal stuff. Nothing seemed too complicated or negative so Brendon was happy with the place.

“So what do you think?” Alan said, sitting down on the couch.

Brendon sat with him “it's nice.”

“Do you want to move in or keep looking around?”

Brendon thought for a second but not long because he hadn't found anywhere else “no, I like this place. When can I move in?”

“Give me three days to get the last of my stuff out and the place is yours.” He smiled.

“Awesome. Tuesday?”

“Tuesday is perfect.”

 

* * *

 

Brendon got back home, or to the place he used to call home, around 4. Penny was jumping around by his feet as soon as he stepped inside, yapping for affection. He kneeled down and pulled the small dog into his arms, scratching behind her ears. “Want to go for a walk, girl?” He asked.

She wagged her tail more and barked excitedly, jumping up for the leash on the coffee table. He laughed and clipped it to her collar “okay, okay. Calm down. Sarah!” He called loud enough for her to hear from wherever she was in the house “I'm taking Penny for a walk! I'll be back soon!”

“Okay! Have fun!” She called back from the bedroom.

He pulled out his phone on an impulse and sent a text to Ryan: meet me at Echo Park Lake on the bridge. Bring Dottie.

He didn't bother waiting for a reply because the terrier was pulling at the leash to be let out. He put the phone away and started the walk to the park.

 

* * *

 

Brendon glanced up once he got to the park, the bridge was close enough that he could see. He couldn't tell if Ryan had showed up yet, or planned to at all, but he picked up the pace a little just to check.

He got to the bridge and saw Ryan leaning over the railing a little, Dottie’s leash loosely in one hand. Brendon didn't say anything as he stepped beside him, snaking an arm around his waist.

Ryan jumped and let out a soft yelp “Bren! You scared me half to death, you ass!”

Brendon laughed “watch your language, there are children around!”

“Oh fuck them.” He chuckled and wrapped his arms around Brendon’s neck.

They were still a few centimeters away so it was just a nice platonic embrace and nothing romantic at all. 

“Could you too kindly stop touching each other?” An older woman walking past said in a harsh tone “honestly, this is a public place and there are children around who are too young to see this.”

Brendon was about to say something probably stupid but Ryan cut him off. “Excuse me but my boyfriend and I are trying to enjoy our date and could you kindly mind your own god damn business?”

Brendon was a little surprised but he knew it was an act so he didn't say anything. He also didn't object when Ryan moved closer to him so that their bodies were pressed together- obviously because he was playing along.

She didn’t reply but instead just kept walking her Maltese across the bridge. Ryan looked at Brendon with a smug grin “Ross and Urie, taking down the conservatives once again.”

Brendon laughed and rolled his eyes “whatever you say, nerd.” He was pulled out of his concentration on trying to memorize Ryan’s eye color by a sharp tug on his arm “Penny Lane, stop pulling!” He turned away from Ryan to see what she was yapping at “Penny, leave that poor duck alone”he said, picking her up to keep her from jumping off the bridge to catch the bird. Dottie, on the other hand, was sitting calmly, only occasionally jumping up on Ryan’s leg to lick his hand. “She’s so well behaved.” He observed.

“Who, Dottie? Yeah, she’s more interested in treats than anything else and she knows those are in my pocket so she won’t go anywhere.”

Brendon laughed “you still spoil them, don’t you?”

Ryan elbowed him and started walking“obviously. I mean, I’m still me.”

Brendon set Penny back down and jogged to catch up with the older man “You are, guess we haven’t changed all that much. And you’re still obsessed with Bassets.”

“Bren,” he explained “you can’t  _ not _ be obsessed with them. They’re like fifty percent fun and fifty percent ears. They are god’s gift to humanity.”

He rolled his eyes at that but didn’t argue “whatever, dude.”

“You have to admit they’re adorable,” he gestured down to Dottie, who was padding along beside him happy, her tongue out and panting at the summer heat.

“She’s adorable, and you’re obsessed.” Brendon stated, watching the young couples who were out of school for summer break race around the lake on skateboards or sit together under the shade of the live oak branches. He remembered doing stuff like that with Ryan when they were that age, oh nostalgia.

“Aw,” Ryan interjected “thought you were going to call me adorable.”

“You’re an attention whore and a nerd.” He said, putting his free arm around Ryan’s waist even though it was probably too hot to be that close.

“An adorable nerd?”

“Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“I can live with that. So how is everything with Sarah going?”

Brendon shrugged “I’m moving out Tuesday, so good. She’s seeing someone and feels bad about it.”

He nodded understandingly “I wish I got to know her better, she seemed really nice.”

“We’re still friends so you’ll probably hang out eventually.”

“You’re keeping Penny?” He inquired, sitting down on the concrete ledge surrounding the lake.

Brendon sat with him and nodded “Yeah. Penny has always been my dog more than her’s, and she’s keeping Bogart.”

Ryan’s feet dangled just above the water’s surface and he flicked a pebble off the cement into the clear lake to create a spiral of ripples going out and away from them “cool. You’re happy with everything?”

“I am,” he confirmed “it was a long time coming.”

“We still on for next weekend?”

He nodded “yep. I just need your address.”

“I’ll text it to you later, you didn’t give me much notice and my phone was dying.”

“Sorry about that,” he said, moving closer to Ryan without thinking about it “I needed to take Penny for a walk and I felt like having company.”

“Well I’m pretty much always free. It’s nice to get out for a while.”

“I like going out with you.” He said, not thinking about his word choice. He realized what he said and blushed “er, um, I mean I like going and doing things with you, yeah, not…”

Ryan just laughed and leaned his head down on Brendon’s shoulder “I like going out with you too, loser.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you've liked it so far, if you have you should leave a comment because I have had very little feedback on this story. I know that some of you don't have accounts on AO3 (which you should get because it's great) and if that's the case you can tell me on my tumblr.
> 
> tumblr.com/blog/that-fangirl-becca
> 
> Anyway, thank you all again and I'll see you next week!


	8. Home Is Where The TV Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon moves out.

Brendon got a cardboard box out and started going through his clothes. He folded most of them messily and tossed them into the box to move them into the new house, he tossed a few old shirts into a different pile to give to charity. Penny jumped onto the bed and watched him curiously as he filled the box with clothes.

“We’re going to be moving into a new house, girl.” He said, pausing to pet her quickly, as if she could understand “don’t worry, you’re coming with me.”

She licked his hand affectionately and he took that as a sign that she liked that plan. He closed the box once it was full and got another out, this one for various different objects from around the house like books. He didn’t need to do that much himself because a moving company was picking up stuff like his piano and there was already furniture in the rental house.

Within an hour, there were seven boxes of stuff in the living room set up for him to move them tomorrow. He laid down on the couch and patted his stomach for Penny to join him. His phone had buzzed a few times while he packed, one text from Sarah telling him that she was running late but would be home soon and one email from the moving company confirming the time for tomorrow. He texted both back and turned the TV on. He started a new episode of Orange Is The New Black and got comfortable on the couch, barely minding as Penny stepped on him a few times as she too found a comfortable place to rest.

 

Sarah got home about halfway through the episode and shook Brendon from his light sleep. His eyes fluttered open and he yawned. “Hey…” he mumbled to Sarah and sat up.

“Hey.” She replied “how did packing go?”

“Pretty good. All that needs to be done now is the piano needs to be moved but that’s a problem for tomorrow.” He turned the TV off and moved over so she could sit next to him.

“You said that there was already furniture? You don’t need to get anything else?”

“Everything is already there, except the bed but I’m getting a new one delivered in a few days so you can keep this one here. I’ll sleep on the couch until then.”

“Sounds like a nice place. Need a hand tomorrow?”

“Probably not a bad plan. Don’t worry about staying too long. Just help me get unloaded and stuff.”

She nodded “alright, got it. You will call if you need anything, won’t you?”

“I will” I said, although I wasn’t sure. I wouldn’t want to bother her.

“Will you?” She raised an eyebrow. Dammit, Sarah knew him too well.

“Probably not.” He muttered, laughing softly and hoping she didn’t take it the wrong way.

She smiled softly and eased my nerves “just call, okay? I don’t have plans so don’t think you’ll be interrupting me. Just call.”

“Fine, I will. For real this time.”

 

* * *

 

Brendon got out of the shower and toweled off. The clock on the wall said that it was nine already, which wasn’t all that late for Brendon most nights but he needed to get up early tomorrow. He got dressed in a simple t-shirt and pair of sweatpants he hadn’t packed before walking into the bedroom. Sarah was sitting at the desk with all the lights off except a lamp, the light of her phone illuminating her face. She seemed completely distracted and barely even noticed when Brendon walked into the room.

“You coming to bed?” He asked as he sat down on the mattress.

She glanced up and he could have sworn she blushed but maybe that was just the uneven lighting “oh, yeah, sorry.” She did one last thing on her phone, maybe closing an email or sending a text, before laying down on her side of the bed. 

He laid next to her and switched off the light. “So,” he said, draping his arm around her as usual “last night.”

She nodded and exhaled softly “last night. Happy or sad?”

He thought for a second. He was happy to be moving on and getting to go back to being really and truly single but at the same time he was really going to miss living with Sarah and he still felt like this was his home. “Both.” he concluded.

“Me too. You make sure to visit soon, okay?”

“I promise. You can come over as soon as I get settled in.”

“Great, I can’t wait.”

“Me neither. Goodnight, Sarah.”

She smiled and he could see it even in the dim lighting “goodnight, Brendon.”

 

* * *

 

_ "Brendon?" Ryan asked as he walked into the room. _ __  
__  
_ Brendon looked up at him and smiled "hey, Ry. What's up?" _ __  
__  
_ Ryan shuffled nervously "I, uh, p-promise not to get mad?..." _ __  
__  
_ "Ryan," Brendon said, looking up at his friend "I could never be mad at you. What's wrong?" _ __  
__  
_ Ryan sauced and looked away "I-I really like you..." _ __  
__  
_ Brendon paused a second to accept what Ryan had said "y-you mean... More than friends?..." _ __  
__  
_ Ryan tensed and nodded, like he expected Brendon to yell. _ __  
__  
_ "Ryan, I-I like you too..." _ __  
__  
_ Ryan's hazel eyes lifted again his face lit up "really?" _ __  
__  
_ Brendon smiled and stood up "really." _ __  
__  
_ Ryan tackled him in a tight hug "o-oh my god, I thought I was going to lose you." _ __  
__  
_ Brendon shook his head "you'll never lose me, RyRo. Never." _ __  
__  
_ Ryan looked at him and suddenly Brendon relaxed how close they were. Usually he would have pulled away but the closeness felt so right and he found himself moving closer. He was almost surprised when their lips touched in a gentle kiss but it felt even more right than before. _ __  
__  
_ Ryan pulled away after only a few seconds but he was smiling "I love you, Bren." _ __  
_  
_ __ "I love you to too, Ryan." Brendon sat back down and Ryan joined him. The older boy was practically glowing with relief and happiness but Brendon didn’t feel quite like that. He had always known they’d end up together in the end, even if he hadn’t always been ready to admit it. He didn’t believe in soulmates, not in the mythological sense at least, but he believed that he was always meant to be with Ryan and nothing would stop that from happening.

 

* * *

  
  


He was shaken out of his dream by the alarm on his phone blaring in his ear. He groaned and rolled over, trying to bury his face in the pillows. Sarah sighed and nudged his side “Brendon, move,” she mumbled.

“Five more minutes…”

She pulled the blankets off him “no, get dressed.”

“Coffee?” He groaned and lifted his head just enough to see her roll her eyes in the morning sunlight.

“You can have coffee. Just get up.”

He reluctantly sat up and rubbed his eyes “how am I ever going to get up without you?”

“You won’t, you’ll just stay in bed forever, most likely.” She pushed his shoulder teasingly and got up “Get dressed and ready, I’ll bring your coffee up.”

“What would I do without you?” He stood unsteadily and pulled on a clean shirt.

“I guess we’ll find out today, won’t we?” She smiled before disappearing into the other room.

 

* * *

 

Brendon pushed the door of the new house open with his shoulder, his hands full with the large box of books and other random articles from the house, and set the box down in the living room. Sarah followed him inside with her own box and did the same “Oh wow…” she breathed and looked around “it’s really beautiful. You just need to set up and it’ll be such a nice home.”

“Yeah,” he echoed “home.” He couldn’t imagine this place ever really being home to him. It was nice but wasn’t home. He’d lived in that house for so long and he couldn’t imagine anything else, but he’d have to.

“Brendon,” she said, getting his attention again.

“Yeah, what? Sorry.” He muttered.

“C’mon, let’s go get the rest of the boxes.”

 

He followed her out and tried to stay positive about the house as they brought all the boxes inside. Sarah tried to convince him to let her help him unpack but he insisted she not worry about it. She left reluctantly after making sure to remind him again to call her if he needed anything. This left him alone to get comfortable in the new house.

He sat down on the couch and looked around. The house looked relatively the same as before, except Alan had finished moving all the paintings, photos, and other personal belongings out. This left only the bare necessities like the couch, a small TV, a table, and the kitchen. He would have to go get some stuff to make the house feel more personal later, probably that weekend, but until then he was grateful he didn’t need to go get  _ everything _ . He got the TV remote off the shelf- making a mental note to get a coffee table so he wouldn’t need to get up  every time- and flipped through the stations. The TV was old and only received network channels so he couldn’t watch Netflix or much else, which wasn’t surprising seeing as he hadn’t had to pay for it. He’d just watch TV on his computer until he had the time to order a better one. 

Penny had been taking a nap in her crate since they got into the car and she was just now starting to stir. Brendon pulled the crate over with his floor and shut the TV off “good morning, Penny, ready to see the new house?”

She sat up and looked around as much as she could through the bars. He opened the cage and she jumped onto the couch, staying close to him timidly. He patted her head gently “nothing’s gonna hurt you, you want to go for a walk?”

She perked up at the w-word and started wagging her tail. He stood up and got the leash out of the box reserved for her stuff, struggling not to trip over her as she jumped around by his feet. He clipped the leash to her collar and led her out the back door. He’d been itching to get onto the beach since he first saw the house and was happy to finally get to explore it. The shore wasn’t packed because it was a work day but there were still a few tourists sunbathing on the sand. The beach wasn’t as well-known as somewhere like Venice or Santa Monica so he doubted it would ever be packed which was nice, although those beaches were beautiful it would be a troublesome place to live because of all the people.

  
Penny yanked against the leash in an attempt to chase a flock of seagulls so Brendon took her the other way, away from the birds. She protested for a second but quickly forgot, opting instead to sniff through the grass growing along the edge of the sand dunes. They didn’t get far before her little legs got tired and she laid down, her tail thumping happily against the sand and her tongue out. He tried to get her to move for a second before giving up and sitting down as well. She had the right idea, he decided, because the sun and sound of the waves was peaceful. This place didn’t feel like home yet but he could see how it would be soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all for this week, thanks for reading! I know this is a day early but I wanted to post it. Keep leaving comments and kudos and all that good stuff, it makes me so happy. I have a few quick updates so just bear with me for a second to talk. I'm going to be posting a phanfic soon (probably within the week but you guys know I'm unreliable so no promises) so look out for that if you want to read it, I'll post a link in the notes once I post it. Also, I'm still not getting a lot of feedback on this story, not nearly as much as I have on most of my other fics, so if any of you have anything you want to tell me, just leave a comment. Tell me what you like, tell me what annoys you, just tell me things! Seriously guys, I want to know what you think. Okay well sorry for that rant, see you next week!


	9. Is It A Small World Or Are You Stalking Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon REALLY likes his neighbor.

Brendon was about halfway through finding a place for the stuff in the first box before there was a knock on the door. It was probably some old woman bringing food because he was new, based on his prior moving experiences, so he put down the laundry he was folding- well crumpling as a more accurate term but at least he was trying. He picked up Penny who was parking at the door so she wouldn’t run out then opened the door. Instead of seeing an older person like he had expected he was greeted by the familiar face of Ryan.

Ryan looked just as surprised as him and stood silent for a second before he cleared his throat “Brendon, uh, hi. Is this your new place?”

“Yeah, how did you know?”

Ryan laughed softly and ran his fingers through his hair “I actually came over to... Well, I live next door, so…”

“Seriously?” He asked, laughing as well “small world, huh?”

“Yeah, are you unpacked yet?” He asked, although it sounded more like an offer of help.

“Not yet, working on it.”

“You want help?” Ryan’s eyes light up hopefully.

“If you want to, you don’t have to though.” Brendon felt a little bad asking him for help but it would make things a lot faster and having some good company would make it more fun.

“I’ve got nothing better to do so why not. Just give me a task.”

Brendon smiled and moved out of the doorway so Ryan could walk in. The taller man looked around “nice place. Everything yours or did Alan leave you some stuff?”

Brendon pulled a box of plates and silverware out from the corner “bit of both. He left the couch and TV and stuff but most of the rest is mine.” He explained “can you organize this stuff and put it into drawers? Thanks again for doing this.”

Ryan nodded and got onto his knees to start going through the box “don’t mention it,  _ neighbor _ .” He stressed the last word with a smirk and elbowed Brendon’s shin which was about all he could reach while he was on the ground.

“Oh god, am I going to regret this housing choice?” He teased, pushing Ryan;s shoulder with his knee “are you going to make my life hell?”

“Probably,” Ryan laughed. Penny had been watching him curiously, as if trying to remember if he was friendly or not, but quickly bounded over to him when he patted his knees and called her name. 

Brendon rolled his eyes when he picked her up and let her lick his face. “I’ll just be in the bedroom, call if you need anything.” He left but stopped in the doorway “oh, and one more thing. Please don’t steal my dog.”

***  
  


Twenty minutes later, they were sitting outside on the porch, watching the tide come in. They weren’t talking but Brendon didn’t mind, he was perfectly content with just watching the waves- and totally not staring at Ryan occasionally. Ryan was humming softly to himself and looking out at the horizon, clearly lost in thought. Brendon was tempted to ask him what he was thinking about but that would mean breaking the simple tranquility of the moment, a thing he really didn’t want to do. 

They stayed like that for a few minutes before Ryan looked over at Brendon “hey, are you still coming over this weekend? I mean, you can come over sooner but…”

“Yeah,” Brendon confirmed “so long as you still want me too. I’m gonna be really busy for a few days but we’re still set for Saturday?”

“Yep.” Ryan pulled himself back up so he was standing “so, um, I should get going because I have some work to do. I guess I’ll see you around?”

Brendon rose as well “yeah, guess so.”

Ryan hugged him him quickly before jogging back to his house along the beach. Brendon waved and watched him go, only wishing a little that hug had been more.

  
***

“Are you settling in well?” Sarah asked over the phone. She’d insisted on calling that night to make sure he was doing well.

“Uh huh,” he muttered, tilting his head to hold his phone against his shoulder as he put a stack of journals away on the shelf.

“Settling in well?”

“‘S only been a few hours but yeah.”

“Like the neighborhood and people?”

He couldn’t help but smile “yeah, nice neighbors and stuff.”

“So you’ve met them?”

“Yeah, one’s an old friend.”

“Really? Who?”

He hesitated a second before deciding to be honest “Ryan Ross, actually,” he chuckled “small world.”

She spoke slower than before as if she was trying to chose her words carefully “don’t you guys not get along?”

“Nah, we had a falling out but we actually met up a few weeks ago and we worked it out, I guess.”

“So you guys are friends then?”

“Mmhm, all good.”

He could hear her voice change to a happier tone “I’m just so glad you’re happy now. Penny doing well?”

Brendon looked back at the couch where she was sleeping “she’s happy. Still a little skittish about it but not badly, she’ll be fine. How are you doing?”

“Little lonely but I think we did the right thing.”

“We did,” he confirmed, his mind flashing to Ryan “we needed to make a change for this to feel real.”

“Does it feel real yet?”

  
“Yeah, but it also feels right, I don’t regret it. It was time for us to move on.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry I didn't post last week, I had really bad writer's block but I hope this makes up for it a little even though it's short. I'd love some comments because I write this for you guys so I want feedback on how you like it. I also accept constructive criticism (just please be nice) and also suggestions if there's something you want to see happen.
> 
> See you guys next week!


	10. Men With Bagels Give Good Dating Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon is easily distracted and Ryan is REALLY distracting.

Brendon scrolled idly through the webpage of various things on Amazon under the ‘home’ section. He already had quite a long shopping list going plus stuff he needed to order online. He had underestimated how much stuff he would need to get when he heard that he didn’t need to buy furniture. He still needed food, toiletries, a TV that wasn’t from the mid-nineties, as well as probably a shit ton more stuff he’d realize once he needed it; so that was his plan for today. His bed was supposed to arrive in the next two days but the couch wasn’t bad until then, what he really needed was stuff like soap and bread; stuff he could get from the store.

He closed his laptop and got up. The idea of inviting Ryan crossed his mind but he honestly needed to leave him alone for a while or it was going to cross into an obsession instead of, for lack of a better term, a crush. He hated that word, he thought as locked his front door to go to his car. It was one of those terms that are only used by middle schoolers, but it was the only word that fit what he was feeling. He didn’t want to say he _liked_ Ryan, but he definitely wanted to be with him. That was a realization he’d come to recently. He didn’t just like the person he used to be, the funny, charismatic boy with the baby face who played guitar like an angel; but he also liked who Ryan was now; the beautiful, caring man who could actually grow a beard- that last part came as a real surprise to him honestly. He just wasn’t sure if Ryan felt the same. In the time it took Brendon to realize that he liked Ryan maybe Ryan had realized that he didn’t actually like Brendon.

He really needed to stop thinking so much while he drove, he decided as he almost drove right through a red light. It wasn’t really a conscious decision, to be fair, but still. His mind just tended to wander, and it always wandered back to Ryan. Fortunately he was able to get to the pharmacy without having a car accident or an identity crisis (another repercussion of thinking too much.) Once he was parked he pulled the crumpled shopping list from his pocket.

 _Soap, dish cloths, shampoo, paper towels, pens, trash bags._ That stuff was all easy enough to find after only a few minutes of looking through aisles and getting distracted by the giant ass bags of candy they sell- honestly though, who needs that much candy? Brendon apparently because he gave into temptation and bought one, rationalizing it by saying he needed help to cope with the major change in his life of moving as well as his new found love interest in the one and only George Ryan Ross III. His life really was a bit of a mess when he thought of it that way so buying that bag was probably an amazing decision- or at least that’s what he told himself.

***

After he finished all the shopping he had to do at the pharmacy he walked to the grocery store conveniently located at the other side of the street. He noted the other businesses in the area, including a very nice looking restaurant that he was hoping to maybe take Ryan too eventually- wait, no, they weren’t dating, even though the way Ryan acted sometimes made it seem like it. He closed his eyes and sighed in frustration at himself for getting this infatuated with someone who probably didn’t feel the same, only to run right into someone. Both of them yelped in surprise and Brendon’s eyes shot open, his face bright red with embarrassment.

He apologized and looked at the person he had collided with despite the fact that every instinct he had was telling him to move into a forest and live in solitary because living in society with other human beings just wasn’t working for him.

“Don’t worry about it. Lost in your thoughts?” The man he ran into said and adjusted his bag on his shoulder. He spoke with an accent, possibly Indian but Brendon wasn’t good with things like that.

“Yeah,” Brendon admitted, running a hand through his hair and chuckling nervously.

“So was I, it’s okay.”

“What was on your mind?” he asked without thinking then mentally kicked himself. This poor guy was just trying to eat his bagel in peace and get back to his car, he probably wanted nothing to do with the idiot who just crashed into him.

“I’m proposing to my girlfriend tonight so I’m really out of it.” He said and Brendon couldn’t help but notice the way his eyes lit up at the thought.

“Seriously?” Brendon smiled “congratulations! And good luck, I’m sure she’ll say yes.”

“I hope so, yeah. What’s on your mind?”

He almost lied but this guy clearly didn’t know who he was so it wasn’t like he could sell it to a tabloid, plus it there wouldn’t be any video or audio proof so there wasn’t any harm in honesty “I’m thinking about asking this guy out but I don’t know if I should”

A part of Brendon still felt nervous saying stuff like that even though he’d been openly bisexual for years. There were still people who reacted badly and every time he talked about dating or liking guys he assumed they’d be a dick about it. A little part of him always panicked at the thought of it no matter how far the world came. What would he do if someone important to him didn’t respect his sexuality? What if someone got violent or particularly hurtful?

Like usual, this man reacted like the idea of Brendon dating a guy was perfectly normal which was a huge relief to him despite knowing that this man had absolutely no effect on his life “I’m sure he’ll say yes if you just ask, especially seeing how much it means to you. You’re worrying about it, which means you must care a lot, he’ll surely see that if you’re just honest with him.”

Brendon nodded and smiled “thanks, you’re probably right. Good luck tonight.” he said.

“You too!” the man said before returning to walking the way he had been before Brendon crashed into him.

Brendon smiled to himself and made a silent promise to himself that he _would_ tell Ryan how he felt no matter what the consequences might be. He was going to do this.

***

Brendon spent the next hour coming up with every possible circumstance of how to tell Ryan how he felt and exactly how each might play out. He had worked out that he was going to tell Ryan one of three ways. He might mention it casually or something,if Ryan didn’t want to go out with him he could probably blow it off as a spur of the moment thing which was a comforting thought. He could also just put all his feelings out there the traditional way and not leave anything out which might be the most heartfelt but also could have the worst consequences. The final option he was considering was to take a tip from Ross himself and just kiss him; that would probably have either the best or worse reaction from Ryan because on one hand he could just kiss back and everything would be romantic and perfect, but on the other hand he would have just kissed someone who didn’t feel the same and there was no way to tell which reaction he would get.

He still had a day and a half before he went to Ryan’s house on Saturday which would hopefully be enough time to figure out a plan, if not he would just end up winging it and probably fuck the whole thing up more than he would have in the first place.

Rationally, he knew that Ryan probably wouldn’t care seeing as he was just about the most impulsive person Brendon had ever met and ,well, pretty damn far from rational times. If he didn’t still want to be more than friends he’s probably just say that and go back to whatever they were doing before. It was also his impulsiveness that worried Brendon, however. If he was telling someone like Sarah would get him a straightforward answer; yes or no; but with Ryan… There was always a chance that he’d say something that wouldn’t be particularly hurtful to lighten the mood but end up completely humiliating Brendon, which he was really trying to avoid.

***

He didn’t bother to put the stuff he’d bought away yet once he got back to his house and opted instead to go sulk of the couch and worry some more. Those plans were interrupted though by his phone buzzing in his pocket.Somehow he wasn’t surprised by the fact that it was Ryan’s name that showed up on his screen.

❤ **RyRo** ❤: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla cupcakes?

 **Brendon:** I don’t care. Why?

❤ **RyRo** ❤: Addie and I are baking.

 **Brendon** : Oh dear.

❤ **RyRo** ❤ **:** Shut up! We’re doing great!

 **Brendon:** Tell Addie I say hi.

❤ **RyRo** ❤ **:** Tell her yourself.  
So much for having time before seeing Ryan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kind of short again and I'm sorry, I hope it was still good. Thank you for reading, feel free to leave comments or kudos if you liked it, or subscribe for updates if you haven't already. Love you guys! See you next week!


	11. For Once I'm Glad I Left The House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon has an excuse to see Ryan.

Brendon heard the sound of something falling and crashing to the floor before he even got to Ryan’s door. This would be interesting. He tried to doorknob and it swung open to reveal Addie trying to get a wooden spoon back from Dottie who was trying to play tug-of-war with it. Ryan was sitting on the counter, his long legs dangling just above the floor, and doing nothing to solve the chaos.  _ I knew I shouldn’t have left the house today _ , Brendon thought as he stood in the doorway, trying to figure out what to even do in the circumstance.

“Brendon!” Ryan grinned once he saw him “perfect timing!”

Brendon closed the door behind him “this is perfect?”

“Oh yeah, we were just about to put everything in the oven, until  _ somebody _ ,” he glared at Dottie playfully “took the spoon.”

“She’s evil,” Addie proclaimed as she finally pulled the spoon from the dog’s jaws.

“Straight from the depths of hell.” Ryan agreed “anyway, will you help?”

“With what?” Now that Addie and Dottie had stopped running around the house things actually seemed relatively organized,by Ryan’s standards at least.

Ryan actually seemed stumped for an answer and both Brendon and Addie looked at him expectantly. “Uh, cleaning and stuff?” she said after a few awkward seconds but even that didn’t sound quite sure.

“You invited him over to clean your house?” Addie asked. Brendon was a little surprised that Addie didn’t even know he was coming over but maybe Ryan had just forgot to mention it. He had been invited over to help but it didn’t really seem like they needed help so… Did Ryan just want an excuse to see him?...

“He owes me after I helped him move in so yeah,” Ryan sounded more confidant with his answer now but there was still an uncertainty in his eyes, like he was really reaching for an excuse. 

Brendon didn’t question it though, he had given up on understanding Ryan long ago. “Should I stay after that or did you just want me here to clean up after you?”

Ryan slid off the counter and turned on the sink to start washing dishes, shaking his head “no, please stay,” he looked up at Brendon “er, uh, if you can.”

Brendon nodded and brought a bowl over to Ryan to wash “I’m not doing anything else, so I’ll stay.”

Addie cleared her throat. Honestly, Brendon had forgotten about her for a second, it wasn’t anything personal but being around Ryan tended to make everything else float away, even time. It sometimes took Brendon back to before everything happened. To a time when they were both two kids lost in a bag, scary world. But they were never alone because they had each other. Brendon wouldn’t be where he was today if he hadn’t had Ryan with him at the beginning, he knew that for a fact. True, it wasn’t as if Brendon  _ only _ had Ryan with him, it only felt that way. He had still had other people like Jon but there was always something special about Ryan that he didn’t feel around anyone else, ever. It was love, but a different kind of love than he felt for Sarah. One thing Brendon had learned over the years was that love felt different with every person. His love for Sarah was more lighthearted and easy. He never had to try with Sarah, it all just came so naturally to him. Looking back at that feeling, it was like a stream. Slow, natural, and clear. His love for Ryan was so different. It was like the ocean. It hit him so hard and so strong that it swept him off his feet and he was trying so hard to not get swept under and drown. Loving Ryan was so difficult, but also so worth it. Neither was better or stronger than the other one, just different.

“Brendon?” Addie asked, which made Brendon return to reality.

“Oh, uh, yeah?” he stumbled.

“You okay?” Ryan interjected, moving closer to Brendon to start washing the bowl that Brendon had put in the sink. They were so close that Brendon could feel their hips and shoulders brush every time one of them shifted their weight, which he was doing a lot because he was starting to get nervous that Ryan could hear his heart beating a little faster.

“Oh yeah, I’m good. Just zoned out.”

Ryan gave him an odd look but he couldn’t identify what it meant. Maybe doubt. “Right, so we’ve got twenty minutes until those are done. What do you guys want to do?”

“Watch a movie?” Addie offered.

“I’ve got The Force Awakens on DVD.” Ryan said, drying his hands.

“Sounds perfect.”

 

***

 

Twenty-five minutes later, they were all sitting on Ryan’s couch with surprisingly good cupcakes and watching Star Wars. Ryan was between the two of them but over the course of the movie had been inching towards Brendon until the point where they were sharing the same couch cushion. 

“Have you seen the new trailer for the new one yet?” Addie asked.   
  
“One Rouge? Yeah, looks pretty good.” Ryan replied. He turned to look at her, his back to Brendon.  He was leaning back slightly so he was getting close to laying on Brendon, and Brendon almost wished he was. He loved contact, of any form, and especially with Ryan. He was warm and familiar, and he moved as he talked ever so slightly. Brendon often couldn’t even see these movements most of the time but he could feel them when he was touching Ryan. Ryan was also so casual with being touched by Brendon, he was pretty sure he could pull Ryan into his lap or something like this and Ryan wouldn’t care. He had a suspicion though that Ryan wasn’t this comfortable with everyone else.   
  
“Bren?” Ryan asked, putting his hand on Brendon’s leg to bring him back to reality.   
  
“What?”   
  
Ryan laughed, apparently dropping the previous topic “what were you thinking about?”   
  
“Oh, nothing,” Brendon said a little too quickly “nothing important.”   
  
“Brendon’s hiding something.” Addie said to Ryan in a teasing tone.   
  
Brendon felt his cheeks heat up slightly and he hoped that the other two could not see it. “Am not!” He argued in a tone that sounded like a whining child in retrospect.   
  
Ryan and Addie looked at each other and smirked. “He’s totally hiding something.” Ryan confirmed with a nod “whatcha’ hiding, Bren?” he asked, turning back to Brendon.   
  
Brendon knew that they were only joking and he could get out of it easily with a white lie but he felt slightly guilty seeing as what he was hiding was essentially just his newfound feelings for the man leaning on his shoulder. In all of this thinking, he didn’t think of a half-decent excuse so he ended up sputtering a defeated “er- nothing, like, nothing. It’s nothing.”   
  
Addie rose from her seat and Brendon was a little scared she was going to torture the answer out of him –the short ones are always the psycho ones- but instead she just picked her back up and said “I need to go feed my cats, sorry to leave so abruptly. Nice to see you again, Brendon. Ryan, try to get whatever he’s hiding out of him.”   
  
Ryan nodded and prodded Brendon’s side, making Brendon’s wave turn more into a swat at Ryan’s head.    
  
“Don’t kill each other.” She said, smiling.   
  
“We’ll try.” They both replied in unison and looked at each other as she left. Once the door closed the both started laughing.   
  
“We spend too much time together. We’re becoming the same person.” Ryan said between fits of laughter.   
  
Brendon nodded “yeah, it’s a problem.”   
  
Ryan hummed and rested his head back down on Brendon’s shoulder, not saying anything. The silence wasn’t awkward, Brendon actually appreciated it because it gave him time to think. He could, theoretically, tell Ryan right now. Nothing was stopping him but… Something was stopping him. He knew he had to tell him eventually but when? What if there was a better time to say it? What if he waited for that time and missed his chance? He looked down at Ryan, who had closed his eyes at some point, and smiled softly. Ryan was always important to him, no matter how much he denied it at certain points in his life. Could he risk losing that friendship again? It was all so complicated and once and a while he’d feel the words in this throat, about to be said, but like every other time something would stop him and he’d stay silent. This eternal silence was hell.   
  
“Bren,” Ryan lifted his head after a few minutes “can I ask you something?”   
  
Brendon looked up and nodded, hoping this something wasn’t as bad as what his mind automatically assumed.   
  
“Well, the thing is… Remember how we said we’d take a while before talking about maybe…” he dropped both his eyes and his volume “you know, dating and stuff?”   
  
Brendon swallowed. Please don’t say you don’t want to, please. “I remember…”   
  
Ryan met his eyes again, but only for a fraction of a second “Have we waited long enough?”   
  
“Uh, y-yeah, what do you think?” Brendon’s heart was pounding and his mouth was dry. He felt lightheaded and both overheated and freezing at the same time. His mind was racing but also frozen, stuck on repeating one phrase over and over again: say yes, say yes, say yes.   
  
“Wh-what do you think?”   
  
Did his voice just crack? It did, didn’t it? That was a good sign, right? He was nervous so maybe he was just as scared of being rejected as Brendon was. But maybe his voice broke because he suspected Brendon’s feelings and didn’t want to hurt him. Oh please be the first one.   
  
“I don’t know…” he lied, but he knew that he wasn’t nearly a good enough liar to pull off that excuse. Ryan could see right through it and Brendon knew he couldn’t get out of this now.   
  
“Do you want to try?” Ryan asked, some of the fear in his eyes replaced by hope.   
  
“Are you saying that you want to?” Say yes say yes say yes.   
  
“I…” Ryan started unsurely.   
  
Yes yes yes yes yes.   
  
“Yeah,” Ryan finished after what felt like a million lifetimes. “Yeah, I-I do.”   
  
Brendon’s mind, for the first time since Ryan had brought the topic up, went blank. He had planned for what to do if he was rejected, but he never even considered what to do if he wasn’t.   
  
“Brendon?” Ryan asked nervously. Brendon realized that Ryan had no clue that he wasn’t going to reject him and was probably about to panic, because that’s what any sane person would do if they told someone that they liked them and then that person just sat there and stared for twenty minutes.   
  
“I, er, yeah, uh, good, er, I mean-“he stuttered, at a loss for words before he finally found what he was trying to say in the mess that his mind currently was. “Me too.”   
  
At that point, it was Ryan’s turn to freeze up “y-you do? Really? Like, really?”   
  
Brendon couldn’t help but smile. Knowing that Ryan was just as nervous as him was comforting. “Yeah, really.”   
  
Ryan didn’t say anything else, instead he just hugged him. Brendon quickly returned the gesture and grinned. He said yes. Thank god Ryan told him first because, knowing Brendon, there was a chance that he would have put it off so long that he missed his chance completely. But god, he really said yes.   
  
“You’re not just saying that?” Ryan said, though he didn’t sound like it was an actual concern of his at the moment.   
  
“Yeah. I figured it out about a week ago, or something like that. I really like you.”   
  
Ryan smiled and pulled away to look at him “I’m really glad you said yes. I thought I was going to die.”   
  
“Well I’m really glad you told me, because I probably wouldn’t have the guts to say it.”   
  
“Probably not,” he teased “you’re kind of a chicken.”   
  
“Hey!” Brendon laughed “that’s no way to treat the guy you’re dating!”   
  
Ryan’s eyes widened barely noticeably in surprise “we’re dating?”   
  
Oh. In retrospect, just saying it outright like that was probably too abrupt for anyone to handle. “Um, well, I mean, what else do I call it?”   
  
Ryan didn’t seem upset though, his momentary surprise was gone and he had returned to his previous happy demeanor “does that make you my boyfriend?”   
  
Hearing Ryan say it made it sound so much more real. Holy shit, I’m Ryan Ross’ boyfriend. “Yeah, I guess it does.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is late! I've been so busy this week, it was insane. I won't start ranting to you guys because you don't care but, yeah, sorry about that. I have exams soon so I might miss a few weeks and I'm so sorry but I need to put my grades first. Over the summer I will definitely have a way better scedule to finish this fic and post some new ones.
> 
> Anyway, keeps leaving kudos and comments if you like it and subscribe for updates. Bye!


	12. Held Together By Dessert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is so short I'm sorry

An hour later, Ryan and Brendon were laying on the couch and watching Orange Is The New Black. Brendon was stretched out across the couch with Ryan laying between his legs with his head on Brendon’s chest. It had taken a lot of adjusting and a few elbows to the face to find a way for two tall, lanky men to find a comfortable way to cuddle on a small couch, but this worked well.   
  
“Are we out of cupcakes?” Ryan asked.

“You made like fifty, we’re not going to be out for years.”

“Okay good. Will you get me another cupcake?"

Brendon chuckled and ran his fingers through Ryan’s hair “you’re on top of me, I can’t get up. Get your own damn cupcake.”

Ryan looked up, smiling “get me a cupcake or get yourself a new boyfriend.”

“Ryan, we’ve been dating for an hour and you’re threatening to break up with me.”

“This relationship is held together solely by cupcake frosting. Please?”

Brendon rolled his eyes and rolled out from under Ryan “your  _ brain _ is held together solely by cupcake frosting.”

“Thank you!” he called as Brendonn walked back into the kitchen where the messily frosted cupcakes were sitting on the counter. “Wait-” Ryan continued “not for the insult, for the cupcake.”

Brendon laughed softly and got another desert off the plate “you’re welcome. You owe me though.”

“I do? What do I owe you?”

Brendon walked back and put the cupcake down on Ryan’s stomach. “I’ll think of something.”

“Will I like this something?” Ryan asked as he sat up. Brendon sat beside him and shrugged. He put his head on Ryan’s shoulder sn closed his eyes. This was real. Ryan Ross, the boy who he had known his whole life and almost lost forever because of his own stupidity, was his boyfriend. A few months ago, he would have laughed at the idea of even being Ryan’s friend, but now he was his boyfriend and he couldn’t be happier.

“Just don’t ask for something gross, or embarrassing."

“Got it,” he replied, only half paying attention. He was more interested in his own thoughts. Would he and Ryan work out? God he hoped so. He didn’t want to go through what happened with Sarah again. He knew that stuff like that couldn’t be controlled but he wouldn’t let it happen. He wouldn’t say he was really  _ in love with  _ Ryan, but there was definitely something there, and it was one of the strongest things Brendon had ever felt.

 

***

 

After a few episodes of Orange Is The New Black, both Ryan and Brendon had fallen fast asleep. This time Ryan was lying behind Brendon and they were cuddling comfortably. Brendon started to wake up around 7 PM because he hadn’t eaten since that morning. He smiled, his eyes still closed, at the feeling of Ryan’s arm draped over his waist. He was never a huge fan of things touching his neck but the way Ryan’s breath touched him was so soft and warm, he couldn’t not love it. He knew he couldn’t get up without waking Ryan so he stayed still, not even bothering to open his eyes, and let himself slip back into sleep. He didn’t wake up again until early the next morning.

 

***

 

Brendon woke up again when the morning sunlight hit his face. He opened his eyes and smiled when he felt Ryan in the same position as before, only now he was moving a little as he woke up. Brendon rolled over so they were facing each other and watched as Ryan’s hazel eyes fluttered open. He was stunning in the golden light, his eyes sparkling and his skin perfectly smooth. His lips were parted slightly and Brendon had to physically fight back the urge to kiss him before he was even fully awake.

“Mornin’,” Ryan mumbled and tilted his head into the couch to hide his eyes from the sun. Brendon wasn’t about to admit it, but Ryan’s morning voice was pretty damn hot.

“Good morning.” he said, letting his forehead rest against Ryan’s. At this rate they would be kissing by the end of the day, but no, they needed to take things slow. “Sleep well?”

Ryan nodded “yeah, you?”

Brendon smiled and slowly combed his fingers through Ryan’s bedhead “me too. You’re warm.”

“Why thank you,” Ryan lifted his eyes. “Should we get up?”

Brendon sighed and sat up “yeah, I need to go feed Penny before she eats the couch or something.”

“Will you let me get you breakfast?”

Brendon knew that he should really go feed his poor dog because he hadn’t gone home to give her dinner and she was probably starving but, damn, did he ever want to stay with Ryan. “Depends on what you’re making.” Penny would be fine for a few more minutes so as long as it was fast he could stay.

“I don’t really have much for food but I can make really great toast?” He offered, sitting up.

Brendon grinned and nodded “perfect.”

Ryan stood and stretched, his t-shirt lifting up as he raised his arms slight. His ribs showed under his shirt but not like they used to, that relaxed Brendon a little. He knew Ryan was just naturally skinny but with his self esteem being so low, he couldn’t help but worry if his metabolism wasn’t the only reason Ryan was so thin. But that was the old Ryan, not who he was now. He seemed so much more confidant now and happier, Brendon really did love that about him. “Can I get you coffee or something?” he asked as he walked into the kitchen.

Brendon followed and leaned against the counter “that’d be great, thanks.”

Ryan poured the coffee black and handed it to Brendon. Their hands touched and neither wanted to pull away, Ryan leaned forward and rested his forehead on Brendon’s shoulder. Brendon couldn’t see his face so he didn’t know what he was feeling at all, he hoped it was only because he wanted to be close to Brendon and not for any other darker reason. “You okay?”

Ryan nodded and tilted his head to the side slightly so Brendon could see him smile “you know when something really big happens and you can’t comprehend it for a while?”

Brendon nodded and put his arm that wasn’t holding his coffee around Ryan.

“Well, the fact that we’re dating just set it, and I’m really happy now.”

Brendon smiled and leaned his head against Ryan, enjoying the short, peaceful moment. Neither of their lives seemed to have many moments like that, he hoped that that would change soon because he needed to relax. They stayed like that for a few minutes, completely silent and not thinking about anything more complicated than the way their breaths came at the same time, before Ryan pulled away. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” he trailed off and shook his head, smiling “no, I really did mean to.”

Brendon chuckled “you’re not making any sense at all but I know what you mean.”

Ryan shrugged and put two slices of bread into the toaster “whatever, do you want jam or butter or anything?”

“Whatever you’re having.”

 

***

 

They didn’t bother to to go back to the couch or anything to eat, instead just sitting on a clear spot on the counter. They didn’t talk either but that was okay. Ryan had one hand on Brendon’s leg casually and occasionally drummed his fingers or traced random designs, Brendon wasn’t cure if he was doing it on purpose or not but it was such a comfortable, couple-like thing. Being with Ryan felt so natural and right, but he knew it was still a good thing that he waited until he was sure. If he had just gone along with Ryan that first night when he kissed him it wouldn’t have been the same, because he hadn’t felt anything for Ryan then, only the idea of him and who he used to be. Now he really felt something for Ryan, not quite love but about as close as he could get. It was like he was standing waist-deep in the ocean and he knew any second a wave would come and sweep him off his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's really short, please don't kill me. I'm not in an amazing place mentally right now and I'm really busy with schoolwork but I promise that it'll get better soon. Thank you guys for sticking around through this mess and I hope you still like this story. See you next week.


	13. A Shitty Romantic Comedy Directed by Pete Wentz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon plays music and goes for a walk

Brendon opened his door and looked around for Penny. She was laying on the couch, pouting about being left alone for so long. He felt bad about leaving her and made an internal promise to take her to the park later that day. She perked up a little when he walked in, her tail wagging with excitement. That was the great thing about dogs, no matter what you did they never held it against you. She yapped and ran over to her food bowl to be fed. Brendon followed, smiling, and picked her up to keep her from jumping everywhere. 

He set her down again once she was fed and then checked his phone which he had left on the counter. There were his usual email and twitter notifications, but nothing so urgent he had to deal with it then, so he put it back down and crossed over to the piano on the far wall. He hadn’t played since moving in and it was starting to get under his skin. Whenever he went more than a few days without playing some sort of music he felt wrong. It was like a drug, he needed it like he needed to breathe, it was who he was.

He didn’t need to think as he played over the keys. He would be lying if he said he didn’t love Frank Sinatra more than most people, but he was a musical genious. There was a reason every person on earth knew his name no matter what genre of music they listened to. He never really picked what song he was going to play, he knew all of them so well his fingers played the keys without any command. The song he ended up playing was one of his personal favorites; the rhythm, harmony, and lyrics were all perfectly constructed. It had been covered by countless musicians in so many different ways but the meaning never changed.

He didn’t start to sing until the first two verses had ended and the bridge started but the lyrics never carried the most meaning in a song, only intensified it. “ _ Who knows where the road will lead us, only a fool would say,”  _ When he played this song before it was always Sarah on his mind. The way she smiled or the feeling of her skin; but now…  _ “But if you'll let me love you, it's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way,” _ her bright eyes and warm smile were replaced by tousled, brown hair and long legs.

 

***

 

He forgot about his promise to himself to take Penny for a walk until late in the afternoon. Music had that effect on him. He lost track of all time and logical thought, his mind wandered to the oddest places when he played. He only remembered later when she laid down on his feet under the piano. She didn’t seem to be laying down out of weariness, more just boredom, so he stopped the song mid-verse.

She lifted her head as the music stopped curiously then followed him as he got up. Her claws clicked against the hardwood floor as she stepped, the sound echoed through the house a little, more than it ever had in the old house. Brendon didn’t really mind living alone but it was nice to have Sarah there to talk to whenever he needed. He let himself be sad for a second and leaned against the door, before turning back to Penny and picking up her leash from the shelf my the door. She started jumping and yapping as soon as he touched the fabric leash and he smiled. He wasn’t  _ really  _ alone; he had Penny, and Ryan was only a twenty foot walk.if he needed human company. He smiled to himself as he clipped the leash and led her outside. He locked the door behind him and glanced over to Ryan’s house. He couldn’t help but be a little hopeful that maybe Ryan would be outside for some reason and would come with him, but he wasn’t, the car wasn’t even in the driveway. He got opened the door so Penny could jump into the back seat of his car and got into the front, shaking his head and smiling at his own patheticness. He had been the same way with Sarah and everyone else he’d been in love with at first, a little obsessed, and it might not be the healthiest thing to do but he couldn’t help it.

 

***

 

He found himself back at Echo Park, on the bridge again like that day he’d come here with Ryan. He looked over the water and let some of his stress fall away. The LA skyline rose up behind the water and it felt like a scene right out of a movie, until a familiar voice shouted his name so loudly that it broke any serenity that there was before. He turned around to see the one and only Pete Wentz across the bridge. A few people glared at him for shouted but he just flashed a smile and jogged over to Brendon. He was wearing his usual black skinny jeans and a sweatshirt despite that it was the middle of summer in LA, but that was Pete. 

“Hey, Pete,” Brendon smiled.

“Hey, small world, huh?"

Brendon shrugged and leaned back against the railing “small city. You’re bound to run into someone you know here eventually. What’re you doing here?”

“Publicity stuff, I needed a break from all the interviews and stuff. What’s up with you?”

Brendon smiled to himself, that was a loaded question. “Have you talked to Sarah?"

Pete nodded slowly and his usual cocky grin faded “yeah. Sorry to hear that you guys didn’t work out. I would have called but I only found out this morning.”

“How’s Meagan?” Brendon asked, not entirely happy with the current topic of conversation.

“‘S pretty complicated. We’re both so busy, but it’s good when we get time together. Are you dating again?”

Brendon trusted Pete, they’d been friends for years even if they didn’t spend as much time together as they should, so he knew he could trust Pete with stuff like this “yeah, actually. You know Ryan?”

Pete raised an eyebrow “Ross?”

“Yeah. I ran into him a while back and… Yeah, we’re kind of together.”

Pete laughed loudly and clapped Brendon on the back “dude, I never thought I’d see the day. It’s like you guys are soulmates or some shit.”

Brendon smiled “I know, crazy. It’s like you dating Mikey or Patrick, but love is a weird thing I guess.”

Pete’s face changed at the mention of that, but Brendon didn’t pry. He knew Pete well enough to know that his love life was so complicated that someone could write a reasonably lengthed college thesis on it.

“I hope it works out for you guys,” he said and his face lightened again “I always hoped you guys would finally get together.”

“You just want everything mildly gay to happen,” Brendon teased. 

“I can’t argue with that, but still. You guys are cute together.” He checked his phone “I gotta go but text me, I’ll be in town for a few more days.” 

“I will,” he promised “stay out of trouble.”

Pete snorted and rolled his eyes “never. Tell Ross I say hi.”

“Will do, Pete.” He smiled and turned back to the lake as the shorted man walked away, recently it felt like his whole life was a movie.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading again! I've been getting more comments lately but still not as many as some of my other fics so feel free to write some. Anyway, exams are only a few weeks away so idk how that will affect my schedule, I'll try and post as often as I can but no promises. That's all for now. See you next week (maybe)!


	14. Double-Dating May Be Immature But So Are We

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Double-dates with ex-wives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I'm on summer break now so updates will be regular again.

_ Brendon took a deep breath and looked up. The camera flashes that used to be surprising and oo bright were now normal to him, he was more interested in looking at Ryan. _

_ “What?” He asked, laughing. _

_ “Nothing, you’re just... “ he trailed off and shrugged “whatever,” _

_ He rolled his eyes “you’re so weird, you know that?” _

_ They walked down the street together, hand in hand, the was they always did. “I love you, you know that?” _

_ Ryan smiled and stopped walking to wrap his arms around Brendon’s neck “I love you too, even though you’re weird and annoying.” _

_ “Gee thanks, what a good boyfriend you are.” He laughed. _

_ “The best.” _

_ Brendon smiled and kissed him, the camera lights going off like fireworks behind his eyelids. _

 

Brendon opened his eyes but instead of seeing Ryan, he saw his empty living room. He was still sleeping on the couch until his bed arrived but a bed wouldn’t keep him company at night. He hadn’t slept alone for years and he missed having someone curled up next to him. That was something he’d have to get used to though, Ryan would never fill the place in Brendon’s heart because he was a different person who could never replace her but it would take years for them to reach that sort of level in their relationship. The fact remained though that Brendon wanted that kind of relationship.

He considered lying in bed all day and thinking but his phone buzzed on the coffee table. It was late enough in the morning that he should be awake so he sat up and answered it without checking who it was. Fortunately; it was not anyone he didn’t want to talk to.

“Are you free today?” Sarah said through the speaker.

“Mhmph,” Brendon mumbled, still not fully awake.

“I’ll take that as a yes. You remember how I said I was seeing someone?”

“Yeah,”

“I was wondering if you wanted to come out to lunch with us,”

“Isn’t bringing your ex-husband on a date with your current boyfriend kind of a relationship no?” He said sleepily, running his fingers through his unwashed hair.

“Probably… What if you bring Ryan so it’s a double date?”

“Like we’re in high school?” He shuffled to the coffee pot and poured himself a mug.

“Just go with it, okay? I want to see you and I think he’s nervous about me hanging out with you.”

Brendon almost protested again but he understood that. No doubt he’d be suspicious too if Ryan was insisting on hanging out with his ex for some reason. “I’ll be there. Where and when?”

“Eveleigh at 1:00?”

“Okay. I’ll ask Ryan about it.”

“See you then,”

“See you,” he said simply then hung up. He downed the coffee in his cup then set it in the sink without washing it. The clock on his phone read 10:13 which left him with four hours to get ready.

 

It was 11:00 by the time Brendon finished showering, shaving, and getting dressed and he still needed to walk Penny and ask Ryan if he was free. Those things could be done simultaneously though which was nice. He clipped Penny’s leash onto her collar and put his shoes on. Flip-flops didn’t really match his button-down and nicer jeans but he didn’t want to risk scuffing his shoes on the rough concrete streets.

Ryan’s car was in the driveway so he figured he was home and knocked on the door.

“It’s open!” Ryan yelled from somewhere inside. Everything looked about the same as it had the other day when Brendon opened the door besides a few papers in different places. He unclipped Penny from the leash so she could go play with Dottie whose tail was hitting the floor so hard it must have hurt. Soft music played from a room Brendon hadn’t been in yet but it didn’t sound like it was playing from a speaker. Brendon opened the door hesitantly to see Ryan playing an acoustic guitar on his bed. His glasses fell down his nose slightly when he looked up and he grinned. “Hey, Brendon. What’s up?”

Brendon looked around the room quickly before speaking. It was well designed; red and gold embroidered rugs covered the floor and walls and matched the bedding and the rest of the room. The whole room was darkly lit because of the maroon curtains covering the large window but it had a warm feeling to it. “Are you doing anything today?”

“Nothing. What do you want to do?” He took the black guitar strap off from around his neck and set the instrument down next to him.

“Sarah and her boyfriend invited us to lunch with them so… If you’re free…” He had almost forgotten how awkward asking someone on a date was.

Ryan raised an eyebrow “like a double date?”

“It wasn’t my idea.”

“Whatever, sure; but I don't promise to not be awkward”

“I need to take Penny for a walk,” he said, holding up the leash in his hand “but I’ll swing by after so we can go?”

“Have fun on your walk, I’ll be here.”

“You too.”

He didn’t realize until he was halfway down the street that “you too” was not the proper response to Ryan’s comment.

 

Brendon knocked on Ryan’s door again at 12:28 with Penny back at his house and napping after their walk. Ryan opened the door this time; he had changed and showered and looked a like he was trying to impress people. His shirt was ironed, his hair styled perfectly, and he might have been wearing cologne; but maybe that was just Brendon thinking he always looked stunning.

“Do I look okay?” Ryan asked.

“Amazing,” Brendon replied, then realized he sounded a little star-struck “er- um, like, you look nice.”

Ryan gave him an odd look but shrugged “thanks, I think. Ready to go?”

Ryan nodded and put his wallet in his pocket.

“I can pay,” Brendon noted as he walked with Ryan to his car.

“I’m sure you can,” Ryan got into the driver’s seat “you also  _ can  _ drive but I refuse to be the bitch in this relationship.”

Brendon laughed and looked out the window. It was probably a good thing that Ryan was driving because Brendon didn’t know the area well. 

That thought reminded him that Ryan didn’t know where they were going to “Oh, Ry, we're going to Eveleigh, it’s on Sunset Bu-”

Ryan cut him off and put his hand on Brendon’s “I know where it is. Thank you though.”

Brendon nodded and curled his fingers around Ryan’s. His hand was cold but not uncomfortably so and Brendon liked the feeling it gave him; like cool pool water on a really hot, LA summer day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! Like I said before, I don't have exams anymore so I'm free to write more. Keep leaving kudos and comments because they make me so happy. I hope you guys like the story so far because it's really fun to write. See you guys next week!


	15. Run Me Over With a Truck And Tell Me You Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Double dating and Netflix

Sarah and her boyfriend got there before them so when they entered the cafe the waitress took them to their table. Sarah would have looked the same as always but Brendon knew her well enough to recognize the look in her eyes as she talked with mystery guy; she liked him, Brendon knew that much for sure.

She looked up, though, when the two men sat down. Her smile was as dazzling as ever and a Brendon half-expected his heart to skip a beat like it used to, but there was nothing. His heart kept beating at its usual pace.

She said his name and he sat down in the chair she gestured to. Ryan took the seat next to him and he couldn’t ignore how his hazel eyes darted around - he was nervous, or maybe uncomfortable was a more appropriate word.

“Sarah,” he said, bringing all attention to him “and, er…” he trailed off, he didn’t know the other man’s name.

“This is Ali, the guy I was telling you about.” Sarah completed for him.

Brendon looked at him for the first time since entering the restaurant. He was tan with a scruffy beard, he looked tall and maybe Italian but Brendon couldn’t be sure. He had kind, blue eyes and a warm smile that made Brendon trust him; he hoped for Sarah’s sake that those features did not lie.

 

“Nice to meet you. This is Ryan,” he glanced to Ryan who seemed calmer now “my boyfriend.” Ryan’s eyes lit up at that, had he not called him that out loud before? “How did you two meet?”

Sarah laughed softly “Cliche as it may be, we met while we were getting coffee. He was very insistent that I let him buy me a drink that night.”

Ali looked at her fondly “How could I not be? It is rare to see an angel in Starbucks.”

Brendon felt a little betrayed that she was so willing to date while they were together but he couldn’t blame her, they were separated and he had practically done the same thing.

She looked at her lap shyly the way Brendon recognized as her way of hiding a blush. Ali obviously made her happy in the same way Ryan made him happy. Things truly had worked out for them.

“How did you two meet?” Ali asked, oblivious to their complicated past. Sarah laughed again and he gave her a confused look.

“It’s a long story,” Ryan said in a soft voice but he was smiling faintly.

“I’d love to hear it.” Ali prompted, looking at Ryan now.

Ryan looked at Brendon for a second before he started to recount their long story. “We met when we were teenagers, way before Brendon met Sarah, and started a band with a few friends. We were best friends for years but…” He trailed off and looked at Brendon for support, he obviously wasn’t happy telling this part of the story.

“We had a bad fight.” Brendon continued for him “it was stupid but we stopped talking for years because of it. We only reconnected about a month ago. We’ve actually only been together officially for a few days.”

That was the CliffsNotes version of the story but it would do. No one wanted to hear the real story of screaming, crying, hatred, and desperation that their separation really was.

“Your relationship sounds very dramatic,” Ali said with a smile that confirmed Brendon’s suspicion that he only saw the happy parts of their story, which wasn’t a bad thing. Brendon would give to not have to know those hard years of trying to hate Ryan and truly only hating himself for what he did.

“That’s a nice way to put it.” Ryan said, laughing a little at the idea. “Dramatic” Really didn’t sum it up but the reality wasn’t pretty or romantic, it was best that reality be repressed.

  
  


The rest of the afternoon passed as anyone would expect. The four of them talked and laughed; Ryan and Sarah bonded over telling embarrassing stories of Brendon that the other was not there to witness. Brendon and Ali bonded stories of Sarah, although Brendon had far more of them. They all left smiling and agreed to do it again later.

“Did you have fun?” Brendon asked once they were in the car.

“Yeah,” Ryan replied “I like them.”

“Me too,”

“You’re not… Jealous or something of Ali?”

Brendon looked away from the road for a second to glance at him “why would I be?”

Ryan shrugged, looking out the window but he seemed to not being paying much attention to the passing city “she was your wife.”

“I don’t love her, Ryan.”

“Do you love me?” Ryan asked abruptly.

Brendon was taken aback, what was he expected to say? “No,” he said slowly, trying to plan his words “not romantically yet, real love like that… It takes time.”

“Good answer,” Ryan said, smiling.

Brendon smiles back and shook his head softly. Ryan Ross was a piece of work, but a loveable one. “Pretty sure I will love you soon,” He said without thinking.

Ryan watched him curiously for a moment like he was trying to find some hidden meaning in his words “oh?” he asked simply “why do you say that?”

“Just a feeling.” He shrugged the statement off but honestly it was far more complicated than that. The way Brendon felt just from being around Ryan was something he never thought he could feel so fast. Usually Brendon fell for people slowly but Ryan was so different from anything he’d ever had before. Falling for Ryan was like being hit by a truck - one of those huge sixteen-wheelers - but somehow it didn’t kill you and after the truck passed you sat up and couldn’t find a single bad thing in the world because you were alive. Falling for Ryan hurt like hell but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Brendon invited Ryan inside to watch another episode of Orange is the New Black but in all honesty he was just hoping to spend more time around him without other people around. The episode was pretty good and but his favorite part was definitely how Ryan put his hand on Brendon’s because he felt bad for Soso. At the end of the episode, Ryan looked at Brendon “who do I remind you of?”

Brendon thought for a moment, going through the characters in his head “Morello,” he answered eventually.

“Why?” Ryan asked. He didn’t seem offended or anything but just confused.

“I mean,” he chuckled “you were kind of in love with me for like seven years.”

Ryan laughed as well “shut up! It’s not the same!”

“It totally is! Who am I?”

Ryan pushed Brendon’s chest playfully but hard enough to tip him back until he was laying down on the couch. “Crazy Eyes.”

“That’s just mean, you dick. Be serious.”

Ryan laid down between Brendon’s legs with his head on Brendon’s chest and shrugged “maybe Alex.”

“You mean that?” He asked questioningly.

“Yeah. Sarcastic and a bit of a loner. We can ignore the whole manipulative bitch part.”

“Thanks, I think.”

“It’s a compliment,” Ryan said “should I go?”

Brendon looked down at him “do you want to?”

Ryan smiled “not really. The next episode is really good.”

Brendon smiled back and started the next episode. He was pretty sure it wasn’t just the show that Ryan was staying for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! A chapter that's actually on time! Anyway I hope you liked it. Feel free to leave comments, kudos, and subscribe if you did. Also follow me on tumblr (that-fangirl-becca) and message me if you want to talk more about this or any other of my stories. See you next week!


	16. Swimming... And Not Getting Arrested

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon is putting the last touches into the house and Ryan has a plan to welcome him home.

Ryan stayed over for another two episodes before there was a knock on the door which interrupted their comfortable position on the couch.

“You gonna get that?” Ryan asked without lifting his head from Brendon’s shoulder.

“I should,” he replied but didn’t move either.

Ryan sat up after a minute to let Brendon up “go get your damn door,”

Brendon groaned at the idea of having to move but he didn’t have much choice, plus Penny was going insane trying to get through the door and say hi to whoever was on the other side. He opened the door and saw a woman in the brown UPS outfit and a clipboard.

“Are you Brendon Urie?”

He nodded and took the clipboard she told him to sign. She gestured to the medium sized box near her feet which he really hoped was his mattress because the couch wasn’t nearly as comfortable as he had hoped. 

The woman took her clipboard and went back to the truck, leaving Brendon with the box. He looked back inside at Ryan who was holding Penny to keep her from bounding outside. Brendon pulled the box inside and found it was lighter than he expected. Ryan put Penny down once Brendon closed the door and watched as she ran over to the box to investigate.

The label on the box confirmed that this was, in fact, his bed. Finally, he could move off the couch and sleep on an actual mattress.

“What’s with the box?” he asked and crossed over to Brendon.

“Mattress so I can stop sleeping on the couch,” he stated as he started looking for a pair of scissors to open the box with “took them long enough to get it here.”

“You’ve been sleeping on the couch?” Ryan asked, making himself useful by sitting on the counter.

“Yeah, I moved out pretty last minute so I didn’t have time to order it before.”

“Need a hand?”

Brendon found the scissors in a cluttered drawer under the sink and brought them back to the box “that would require you moving but sure.” He knelt by the box and started to cut through the tape and cardboard,then looked up to the sound of Ryan hopping down off his spot on the counter.

“How can I help?”

“Right now…” He looked around “clear the stuff off the floor in my room?”

Ryan nodded and silently went into Brendon’s room which was, luckily for Ryan, pretty clean that day. Brendon got the box open without much difficulty and pulled the folded mattress out, he also realized that opening the box in his room would have been a lot smarter because now he had to haul it through the living room. 

“Ryan!” He called to get his attention.

The older man walked back into the room and cocked his head curiously “what’s up?”

“Want to help me with this?” He asked and looked at the mattress on the ground. 

“Why didn’t you…?” He started “whatever, okay.” Ryan picked up one side of the mattress while Brendon got the other side. They fumbled with it a bit because honestly humans did not evolve to carry mattresses; they were big and awkward and surprisingly heavy.

Once it was through the door they both set (dropped) their sides down to catch their breath.

“Well,” Ryan said between breaths, “I think it’s official now, we need to work out.”

“ _ I _ was doing fine,” Brendon argued even though he really wasn’t “ _ you _ were dying.”

Ryan reached over the mattress to push against Brendon’s shoulder but when Brendon took a step back Ryan had to grab onto Brendon’s shoulder to keep his balance. “B!” He yelped, standing on his toes over the mattress. Brendon just laughed in reply.

Whether Ryan fell or just decided to stay put wasn’t worth the effort, Brendon didn’t know, what he did know was that Ryan let go of his shirt and ended up flopped down on the mattress between them. Brendon looked at him quizzically and kept laughing, Ryan on the other hand just glared but there was no anger in his eyes, just a mild annoyance.

“Now how do we move this thing?” He asked.

“We don’t,” Ryan replied casually “you lay down here and I hurt you.”

Brendon laughed again and got down onto the mattress with Ryan “you’re real scary, you know that?”

Ryan moved closer until Brendon could feel his breath, which should have been an uncomfortable feeling but oddly enough he didn’t mind at all “horrifying.”

Brendon couldn’t dignify that statement with a reply, instead, he just laughed. Ryan gave him a half-hearted glare. “Fuck you, I’m very scary.”

Brendon looked at him quizzically until Ryan too burst into laughter. “You win,” he said, grinning “but it’s not like you’re all that scary either.”

“Have you seen some of my music videos? I’ve got a scary mind.”

Ryan moved closer so he was pressed up against Brendon and about eighty percent of the bed was unoccupied. “You were always the innocent one, I’m not scared of you.”

Ryan was teasing Brendon, he might not know it but he was. Brendon was determined to take things slow but when Ryan was that close it was hard to think straight.

“What are you thinking?” He asked, his hazel eyes twitching as he glanced over Brendon’s features, the way you could only see when you were about as close to someone as you could get.

“I don’t know… That your eyes are pretty, or somethin’” he chuckled but blushed as well.

“You dork,” Ryan said and Brendon could feel him leaning in slightly. It took just about all of Brendon’s fleeting self -control to pull away. Ryan didn’t say anything about it so he figured he probably misinterpreted Ryan’s movement anyway.

“This is a really comfortable mattress, even on the floor.”

Brendon was tempted to say some half-joking line about how Ryan could stay in his bed whenever he wanted but knowing Ryan he would take that  _ very  _ seriously. “Agreed.” He said simply instead.   
  


Ryan left once the bed was fully set up and left Brendon to mope around. He ended up talking to his publicist; mainly about Sarah. The topic of when, how, and if people should be informed that they were no longer together. The whole conversation was very anxious for Brendon because he was having an internal argument over whether or not to mention that, oh yeah, remember Ryan Ross?

Fortunately, the conversation happened entirely over text which made it better. Once they agreed to re-address the subject later, Brendon laid down on the bed and sighed comfortably. Finally, a real mattress,  _ finally _ . He hadn’t realized how much his back needed this until he got into bed. After only a few minutes, he was fast asleep.   
  
  


A loud buzzing woke him up at who-knows-what hour in the night. The only light in the room came from his phone, which was pulsing blue in the dark. He groaned and reached lazily over to pull the phone near him. The light hurt his eyes a little but he unlocked it without turning on another light. Little to his surprise, Ryan’s name showed up on the screen.

**❤RyRo❤:** Are you awake?

He smiled a little and texted back, squinting his eyes at the harsh light: Yeah, what’s up?

**❤RyRo❤:** I’m bored and I can’t sleep. Meet me out back?

**Brendon:** Alright, give me a sec.

He put the phone into his pocket and swung his legs out of bed. He definitely didn’t have enough sleep to be going on an impromptu adventure with Ryan but fuck it. He had to be quiet because Penny was asleep on the foot of the bed and the last thing he needed was her waking up and yapping at Ryan through the porch door. He grabbed a jacket off the chair and silently slipped out onto the back deck, where Ryan was leaning against the railing “took you long enough.”

“I was sleeping, cut me some slack,” he replied casually and stepped down onto the sand. The sand was cool against his bare feet, like the air, and he was glad to have brought a jacket. “What are we doing?”

“Taking advantage of our beach access.” He said and followed Brendon onto the sand “going swimming.”

  
  


They left their clothes just above the tideline, minus their boxers because neither felt like getting arrested among other things. The water was chilly but it was a calm night with a bright moon so the time was as good as any. Ryan didn’t seem to mind the cold as much as Brendon did so he got deeper before Brendon. He was up to his mid-waist while Brendon only had his knees submerged but he didn’t mind. Ryan was almost silhouetted by the full moon and he looked like something out of a painting. His pale, thin body seemed to glow in the moonlight and his hair blew back from his face as he turned his head to look back at Brendon.

“Are you coming?”

Brendon laughed softly and waded out to where Ryan was. “It’s freezing.”

“You live in California, nothing is freezing.” Ryan’s eyes flicked over Brendon’s torso but he tried to ignore it.

“Shut up, I’m still cold.”

Ryan put his arms around Brendon’s neck with would have been comforting were it not for the cold water dripping off from his hands and down Brendon’s back. He shivered and took a step closer to him, suddenly very happy that Ryan hadn’t gotten anything above his ribs wet.

“Warming up yet?” Ryan asked, trying to ask casual and maybe even a little seductive, Brendon couldn’t tell.

“Not really, but happier.”   
Ryan smiled and Brendon felt himself getting nervous. Ryan looked angelic, he  _ was _ angelic. Like a fucked up angel though. One of those angels who gave up on heaven eons ago and now just wandered the earth doing their own thing. He didn’t have much more time to think of any sort of complicated metaphor because then Ryan moved closer. Brendon couldn’t tell whether it was him or Ryan that kissed the other but he didn’t care. What mattered to him was that he was finally kissing Ryan. Things had worked out, finally, and he was happy. All he could think was that the kiss was amazing and everything he had been missing for the past years of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this ended up being the last chapter. (!!!) This story has been SO much fun to write and I hope you liked it. I've gotten some really great feedback and I'm always accepting more so send in any you have any comments, as always that includes criticism just be nice.
> 
> If you enjoyed this you can subscribe to see when I post more fics. Thanks for reading and sticking around!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'll be posting on Sundays so subscribe to stay updated. If you want to leave kudos or comments, I'd really appreciate it. I hope you liked it!
> 
> Tumblr: tumblr.com/blog/that-fangirl-becca
> 
> Peterick fic: archiveofourown.org/works/4783172


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